So Far Away

For three weeks I've been wondering if I should go. My stepfather is not well and has been hospitalized since February 15th. His condition upon entering the hospital was extremely grave. Everyone predicted that he was not going to make it past a week. But he did. And now two weeks later he is still quite ill, but death is not imminent. In fact, miraculously, he's making progress - he is getting well. So, I've been advised, "No need to come just now."

But I am torn. A big part of me desperately needs to be there. I want to be there for my mom.  During  a crisis, large or small, she has always been able to see the bright side -  the silver lining in any storm. While growing up she continually reassured my brothers and sisters and me that no matter what was troubling us everything would be okay. Even now her Facebook posts regarding her husband's situation seem cheerful and optimistic. She never wants to bring others down. But I know she is so completely drained and sad. She wishes I lived close-by and for the first time in the 27 years that I've been away from her, so do I.  My siblings and their spouses who do live close-by have been an amazing support for her. I am grateful they are there. Yet, she still wishes all seven of us were with her now. As a mother, I understand why.  The presence of one doesn't make the heart miss the one absent any less. We each have our own unique gifts and qualities that provide sustenance for this arduous journey. Our physical presence gives her strength.

She knows that I continue to pray for her and Ernest. I frequently tell her that she is always on my mind and ever in my heart. I hope that it is enough. Part of me knows it is not. Unfortunately, circumstances prevent me from hopping in my car and making the seven hour drive to her home. My obligation to my immediate family and concerns about finances make it difficult to simply "up and go." 

Each day I fight a waxing resentment. The words, "stupid job!" dart bitterly from my mouth. Like a spoiled child I whine, "If I didn't have to work, I could be there!"  Sure, I could take time off, but right now I have to be cautious about when and how much time I spend away from work. Admittedly, no one in my office would disapprove of me requesting time off to care for my family and they wouldn't hesitate approving such a request, particularly in an emergency.  I have the highest regard for my co-workers and enjoy working with them. The crux of the matter has nothing to do with them or this job specifically. I work because I need to help pay our mortgage, college tuition, and to put food on the table. And that's really what prevents me from running like the wind to be at my mother's side. It's our current financial situation that I'm bemoaning. (That's a whole other complex ball of wax to be dealt with at another time perhaps.)

So, what do I do? For now, I've been taking all of it - the resentment, the frustration, the disappointment - to Our Lord. I apologize over and over again for my whining and my wishing things were different and I beg His forgiveness. He tells me, "TRUST ME."  Everyday He tells me, and everyday I leave it in His hands. And I reassure myself, that when the time is right, I will visit my mom. All according to His will. Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam.

Photo courtesy of my sister-in-law, Angela Collins