Monday, May 31, 2010

And enjoy the vision of God for ever

And so his death couldn't have been more beautiful or more moving. There he was, flanked by his dear wife, my mom, and my sister, Peggy, and sister-in-law, Marcia - both of whom have been stalwart in their love and support during these final days. My brother, Fr. Jim, inspired by the Holy Spirit to retrieve his prayer book from his car, began the prayer of Commendation of the Dying.

At around that time, Jim, Megan and I finally headed out the door of Seton High School. The awards ceremony was over. The photos were all taken for the year book and it was time to head home. Marcia had called me immediately before the ceremony began. I had difficulty hearing her over the din of chatter and laughter as parents and students filed into the gymnasium to find their seats. I headed to the back of the gym, cell phone in hand, and asked Marcia to repeat what she had told me. "Papa is fading fast." Okay. I explained where I was and told her I'd call later for an update. Earlier that morning I had already told my brother that I would call him after the awards ceremony. So, I did - from the car on the way home. I think it was about 10:40 p.m., but there was no answer. I wondered and prayed once more.

We weren't in the house for very long before the phone rang. Megan answered and then called for me. "Mom, please come to the phone." As she handed it to me, she said, "It's Uncle Jimmy. Papa just died about 10 minutes ago."

I wanted details. I wanted to know who was there. Mom, Peggy and Marcia. Had he ever regained consciousness? No. How did it happen? My brother explained how tired he was, it was getting late and he thought he should perhaps get some sleep, but he was inspired first to pray with those gathered. My mom held one of her darling's hands and Marcia the other one. My sister gently rested her own hand on his sweet head. Surrounded by love, as Fr. Jim finished the concluding prayers, Papa took one last breath and ever so gently gave up his spirit. As a priest, my brother has prayed this prayer many times before for others near death, but never before has he witnessed a soul passing from one life to the next immediately following the prayer. I asked him to read the words of the prayer to me and in hearing them, I  knew that my prayer and the prayers of many had been answered that night.

Papa Ern's soul took flight accompanied by all the saints and angels, by Mary, our dear blessed Mother, and good St. Joseph. He entered his final resting place full of the peace and joy of his Savior. And our love, too, carried him there and will remain with him always and for ever.

Prayer of Commendation of the Dying

I commend you, my dear brother, to almighty God
and entrust you to your creator.
May you return to him
who formed you from the dust of the earth.
May holy Mary, the angels, and all the saints
come meet you as you go forth from this life.
May Christ who was crucified for you
bring you freedom and peace.
May Christ who died for you
admit you into his garden of paradise.
May Christ the true Shepherd
acknowledge you as one of his flock.
May he forgive all your sins,
and set you among those he has chosen.
May you see the Redeemer face to face,
And enjoy the vision of God for ever.
Amen.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Praying Farewell

Here it is, the day before the big graduation party. I've taken the day off from work. I've just finished jotting down the items I need from the grocery store. I've also listed the chores that still need to get done. But I'm distracted. I cannot devote all my attention to this grand celebration for three awesome young people, no matter how hard I try. My head is full of thoughts of Papa Ern and I keep wondering how much longer? With almost every breath I offer another prayer, pleading for a happy death even though I know for those of us who stand vigil, particularly my mom, the grief is palpable. 

There is, however, an indescribable beauty in knowing that our thoughts and prayers, that our love mingled with our tears, accompany my step-father on his journey. A journey all of us will make. His journey has been long and difficult and punctuated by much pain and suffering, but also by salient moments of endearment and affection that none of us will ever forget. He leaves us with the knowledge that we are loved and appreciated. He marches forward knowing how much we love him, too.

Oh, my Jesus, on behalf of Ernest, please graciously hear this prayer and grant him, my dear friend and step-father, loving Papa to my children and devoted husband and companion to my mom, a beautiful and peaceful death. Surround him with your angels and saints ...

ASPIRATIONS FOR THE DYING
  
O God, be gracious to me;
 O God, have mercy on me;
O God, forgive me my sins! 
O God the Father, have mercy on me;
O Jesus, be gracious to me;
O Holy Spirit, strengthen me! 
O God the Father, do not reject me;
O Jesus, do not abandon me;
O God the Holy Spirit, do not forsake me!
O my God, into Thy hands I commend my spirit;
O Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
O Jesus, Son of Mary, have mercy on me!
O Jesus, I believe in Thee;
 O Jesus I hope in Thee;
O Jesus, I love Thee!
O Jesus, I place all my trust in Thy bitter Passion!
O Jesus, in Thy Sacred Wounds I hide myself!
O Jesus, I enclose myself in Thy Sacred Heart!
Holy Mary, Mother of God, assist me!
Holy Mary, protect me from the evil spirit!
Holy Mary, turn thine eyes of mercy upon me!
O Mary, Mother of mercy, obtain grace for me from thy dear Son!
Come to my aid, O Mary, in this my anguish and need!
O Mary, enclose me in thy virginal Heart!
O Mary, commend me to thy Son, present me to thy Son,
reconcile me with thy Son!
St. Joseph, obtain for me grace and mercy!
St. Joseph, assist me in my struggle against the enemy of my salvation!
St. Joseph, to thee do I entrust my soul: do thou save it for me!
St. Joseph, remember me, and obtain mercy for me!
O holy Guardian Angel, do not abandon me, but combat for me
and preserve me from the evil one!
My dear Patron Saints, pray for me!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, into Thy hands I commend my spirit!
 
ST. JOSEPH, ADVOCATE OF THE DYING AND THE SINNER,
PRAY FOR US WHO HAVE RECOURSE TO THEE.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Wild Child

Megan Colleen, born 18 years ago today, has an assortment of nicknames. Her school chums, some of their parents and some of her teachers refer to her as Mayo. I don't remember how she acquired that particular moniker, nevertheless, it has stuck with her through most of her years at Seton School.

Wild Child is how we - her older sisters and I - refer to her with the greatest affection. With a name like that, one may assume that she is an out-of-control teenager on the brink of certain disaster. She is not. Actually, she is no longer a wild child. The name points to a time in her childhood when she was "difficult" to handle. One might say that her "terrible twos" began at birth and extended well into her preteen years. Granted she had many, many wonderful moments - when she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, well, she was horrid. The best way to describe my wild child is to think of any adjective and precede it with the word more. She was (is) more affectionate, more faithful, more devoted - but also more difficult, her tantrums were more out-of-control, her bad moods were more dramatic. To save her from unwanted embarrassment, I will forgo detailing any of the challenging events of this time period. Suffice it to say, there were times when I, completely drained, called my mother in tears wondering how I could have failed this beautiful, demanding child. The remarkable thing is that she has turned out to be an amazing young woman of faith and conviction (see earlier post - Dear Mom). Words cannot describe how much I love this kid (and always have). She is truly a ray of light in my life. And today is her birthday! I cannot thank God enough for giving her life and placing her in our lives. He knew (of course He knew) how we would learn to embrace each day, good or bad, and grow to love Him more in loving her.

Happy Birthday, my wild child! I love you!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Twenty-five Years and Counting

We met at a bar on March 30, 1984. Three months later, he proposed marriage and I accepted. There was nothing particularly romantic about the proposal, because he isn't particularly romantic. He had been away on a week long business trip. When he returned he mentioned how much he really missed me. He wondered if I'd like to marry him. A few days later we drove over to a jewelry store and I picked out an engagement ring - a small emerald surrounded by six smaller diamonds. I love my ring. It's not like any I've ever seen.

On May 18, 1985 we married. It was a cool, beautiful, breezy May afternoon. We were married at St. Joseph Church in Herndon - the old, quaint one, before they built the new church. It was a lovely Mass and our reception at the Dulles Marriott was so much fun. I remember the muscles of my face aching from smiling so much. We honeymooned in San Francisco and Carmel, California. Beautiful!


Soon we were blessed with our first born, Kathryn Anne - followed by Erin Renee, Kevin James and Megan Colleen. Our jewels. Like most married couples, we've had our fair share of ups and downs. Mistakes - sure, we've made a few. And, yes, we do drive each other crazy from time to time. But together we have learned to recognize what's truly important. (We weren't always so smart!)  Together we have learned to put Christ first in our marriage. Together we have learned that our vocation calls us to lovingly assist one another and to cheer each other along on our journey toward heaven. We continue to remind each other to let go and let God use the unique gifts and talents He has given us to nurture and fortify our love for Him, for each other, and for our children ... and now our first grandchild!

I have been blessed all these 25 years and I am so looking forward to the next 25! Thank you, God, for my husband, Jim and for the LOVE that continues to grow.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Dear Mom,

May 9th, 2010

I thought since this is my last year living at home as a "child" (though I know I will always be your baby ...) I should go beyond the typical, "oh happy mother's day." I would just like to thank you for, first of all, my life. Thanks for not disowning me when I was a little brat ... ha ha just kidding, I know you would never do that. But really, thank you for putting up with my endless shenanigans when I was a wild child. Looking back I know that the way you handled me was the best parenting ever and I am truly thankful for that. (You've probably punished me in the past and said, "you'll thank me later" so here you go!) I would like most importantly to thank you for bringing me up Catholic; as a strong Catholic. I'll always remember and treasure our religious conversations, even the ones from elementary CCD. You established such a firm greatness of receiving my first Holy Communion. Today two little kids made their first Holy Communions and it made me think about my first Communion and how excited I was and how well I actually understood it. I really appreciate you for that so much, I thank God for having blessed me with such a spiritually wonderful mother!

There's one thing I really never thought I would appreciate as much as I do now, and that is my education at Seton. Thank you SO much for sending me to that amazing school. It also has formed me in my faith so well! Growing up I've had such an incredible education from my primary teacher, you, and the teachers, crazy or not, at Seton. Thank you so very much.

Of course, you had to make sure my spiritual life was on the right track and my education was fit because that's what moms do ... but you're not just the every day mom. Actually if I compare you to "moms" in general you really are quite different ... in a very good way. You never really forced me to do anything I didn't want to but you always supported me in whatever I chose to do - not in a sick celebrity-mom type of way because the way you raised me clearly showed me right from wrong. You were never nagging, yet you showed me how to take care of myself. You just allowed me to grow up and to become who God intends me to be. Most importantly, you weren't just a really good mom, you've always [been] and always will be my very closest and best friend in the entire universe. Very rarely do daughters have that type of relationship with their parents, a 100% trusting and loving relationship. I am extremely thankful that I have that with you; that alone means the entire world to me. I really believe that the incredible relationships you built with me and my siblings really is the key to your remarkable parenting.

Thank you so much for the daily sacrifices you made to raise me and my siblings the way you did. Thank you for taking care of me, and for always loving me. Thank you for giving me such a privileged life that so many people never get to have ... and I take it for granted every day. I'm going to miss you. I love you my mama, God bless you on this wonderful mother's day!

Love you always,
Megan

P.S. I'm always proud to say I look just like you, because you are so beautiful :)



Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Letters to Isaac

My dearest, little Isaac,

You entered our world one week ago today, a little more than four weeks before the day you were due. I'm still recovering from the shock of hearing your Mommy tell me over the phone that it was time for her to go to the hospital. I prayed that your Daddy would make it back to Virginia in time to greet you and he did - with lots of time to spare! Your Auntie Megan and I were quite relieved to see your Daddy race to your Mommy's bedside that blessed afternoon. And your Mommy was, too!

Well, my tiny grandson, I am thrilled that you are here! You are so entirely loved by many. When you are with your Nana D, all I want to do is hold you and  look at you forever. Your beauty breaks my heart - I am so in love with you! Part of me wants to shout from the mountaintops, "Look at this gorgeous masterpiece our God has created! He is magnificent! Our world is now a better place!" It is true and God is so good.

And you, my little Isaac, are first and foremost a child of our great God. He loves you more than you can ever know. He has blessed you with loving and faithful parents. They will teach you His ways and you will grow to know Him, to love Him and to serve Him. 

As you continue to grow in love and grace, I promise to be there for you, to share your new discoveries and, perhaps, impart my grandmotherly wisdom every now and again. It will be so much fun, won't it little man? Oh, and the books! Just wait until you are introduced to the most delightful stories! I've been saving some for you.

No matter what anyone tells you, life is good, Isaac. It really, truly is - welcome to it!

With all my love always,
♥ Nana D


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Hello Baby!

Welcome our dear, sweet little one!


You are beautiful.
You are precious in God's sight and in our own.


And my sweet, you are loved.


Welcome to the world, Isaac Jogues Samuel Phillips!

Born 11:10 p.m., Tuesday, May 4, 2010
6 lbs 4 oz
20.5 inches long


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Baby's Coming ...

My phone rang at a little after 5 a.m. It was Katie.

"Mom, my water broke!"

It's amazing how many thoughts raced through my mind before I uttered my reply. No, Kate. Not now, it's too early. And Sam is away!

"Oh, Katie! Are you sure??"

"Yes, it's more than a trickle ... I'm soaked."

"Did you call your doctor? Are you having contractions?"

"Not yet ... getting ready to and no, no contractions."

"Okay, well, Dad will be over to pick you up."

I always send Jim in emergencies. If a car breaks down or runs out of gas - my standard reply, "Dad is on his way." He's a rock in a crisis, I'm butter. After I hung up, I thought, now why didn't I just throw on some clothes and go? Because I needed time to collect myself, to recover from the shock; and to become a rock for my daughter whose husband was hundreds of miles away filming an EWTN program. Besides, I also needed a quick shower. 

Jim was on his way to Katie's apartment in seconds flat. Megan was awake and getting ready ... straightening her hair and applying make-up. That seemed so odd to me at the time. I remember asking Meg why all the fuss? "I don't know," she shrugged, appearing genuinely puzzled. Guess it just seemed the thing to do. It's her morning ritual and sometimes simply going through the motions helps when our mind is racing off course. The dog, soaking in the excitement was bopping around, her tail wagging like crazy . She sensed that something was up - something out of the ordinary, but she couldn't know how special. Everything seemed surreal as Megan and I finished getting ready and headed out the door.

I met Katie in the OB triage room as a nurse was gathering all the necessary information. There she sat in that hospital bed, as chipper as can be, my baby. My beautiful baby preparing to give birth to her own beautiful baby; my grandson. She kept mentioning how she couldn't believe it was happening. We talked about how it's a good thing we have the cradle ready and that someone from Sam's family was going to run out to buy a car seat. She said she may need some diapers and a couple of newborn size Onesies. I remembered her mentioning on the phone earlier that she didn't even have her little suitcase packed yet! And I think she giggled. Despite her husband's absence, despite the fact that her son was coming four weeks early, Katie was giddy with joy and excitement. And it was contagious. Her high spirits soothed my concern that everything would turn out all right.

Katie was moved to a regular labor and delivery room. Nurses bustled in and out; the doctor paid a visit. She reassured my daughter that the baby, despite being early, should be fine. Typically, there are issues with temperature regulation as their little thermostats are still a bit premature and sometimes they don't like to eat. He may have to stay a few days after Katie is released from the hospital or he may be healthy enough to go home with her. Only time will tell.

The next few hours were calm and quiet. Phone calls were made and Katie and I chatted, but not excessively. She was having a few, mild and irregular contractions. The courtesy and gratitude Katie showed the nurses and lab technician was remarkable to me. What a kindhearted, gentle person she is! I've always known this, but it seemed I was seeing it for the first time. She delights my heart. She will be a good, good mother.

Soon Katie dozed off for a much needed nap while I prayed a rosary asking for Our Lord's love and protection.

Megan, who had gone home for a few hours, returned around 10 a.m. Her sister, who had been given a small dose of pitocin, was beginning to feel her contractions; they were stronger and coming at more regular intervals. Soon she needed to breathe through them. We watched the monitor record each contraction; how one would begin building like an undulating wave, finally reaching it's crescendo and then slowly subside. The baby's heart beat on, rhythmically marking the time  - swoosh, swoosh, swoosh - the most beautiful sound in the world, with the exception of the sound of the baby's first cry.

Jim stopped by (he had earlier returned home and then off to work). He bought Katie and Sam a camcorder. We had been planning to give them one as a new baby gift. He wanted to make sure they had it in time for the blessed event, so he ran over to Target before heading to work to purchase the one we had our eye on. Katie was so happy to receive it. Jim hung around for a few minutes, kissed us good-bye and was off to an early afternoon meeting.

We decided to watch a movie, Mama Mia, starring Meryl Streep. A good, mindless distraction while we waited; while she waited for her dear Sam to arrive. Katie needed something to help pass the time. Before the movie ended, we turned it off. It served it's purpose and Katie didn't want it anymore. The contractions were stronger.

At approximately 2:00, Sam rushed in. He was there, at last. Thank you, Jesus! After hugging them both, Megan and I departed for home to eat lunch and get some rest.

As of right now, my darling Kate has dilated from 3 to 6 cm in about 2 hours. Sam reports that she is doing well and is able to rest between contractions as she opted for an epidural. And we're waiting and praying.

In a few minutes, Megan and I will be heading back to the hospital to wait there with Sam's family. Jim will join us later - after he spends some time in adoration of Our Lord. There he will offer a grandfather's prayer of thanksgiving and of hope for good health and well-being.

Stay tuned ...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The Surprise Visit

It was still dark when I pulled away from my driveway last Saturday morning. The early morning sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon displaying shades of reds and pinks that radiated through a thickening band of clouds. Soon the clouds won out and a light sprinkle of rain dotted my windshield. Still, I knew it was going to be a good trip, one that was long in coming. 

A few hours later I arrived at my sister's house in Chesterfield, near Richmond. After a much needed 'potty break' and a refill of coffee, my brother-in-law loaded up my sister's belongings into my car and we were off. The drive down to North Carolina provided my sister and me an opportunity to catch up on what's been happening in our respective lives and I was grateful for her company. The trip can otherwise be monotonous and tiring.

When we were about an hour away from our destination - the nursing and rehabilitation center where my step-father had been admitted the day before - we phoned my brother asking him to find out if our mom was at the facility or perhaps at  home. My brother duly played spy for us and soon reported back that Mom was still with our step-dad. I had already plugged the address into my GPS, so off we drove as giddy as two school girls.

We arrived at the nursing home to find Mom sitting in a chair beside Ern's bed, newspaper in hand, working the daily crossword puzzle and he just beginning to doze off. Mom gazed up at us and nearly fell over!

"Oh, Papa, look who came to see you!"

Opening his eyes, he was quite surprised to see us grinning at him. He hugged us both and kept telling us how much he appreciated our visit. He also asked all about our families, what we've been up to lately and if we had a good drive down. His eyes were bright, his smile enchanting and he looked so wonderful to me. For all he's been through since last fall, I couldn't believe how well he appeared sitting up in that hospital bed, squished into his end of the small room that he shares with another patient.

He's hoping for a new room. A room with a window and a view of the outdoors. He really is an outdoor guy. He grew up in the rural South Carolina countryside and has been an avid gardener his whole life. You should see his magnificent gardens displaying an array of many types of flowers and other plants. Just beautiful! I hope he gets that window and I hope the nursing staff is able to take him outside every now and again. He was joking that if he does get outside, due to significant weight loss, they may have to tie him to a tree to keep him from flying away in the breeze! He weighs a mere 109 pounds.

Over the course of the following two days my sister and I, as well as our other sister and brother, were able to visit briefly with Ern each day. He made certain that we knew how much he loved us and considered us his own flesh and blood even though we're only steps (and didn't enter his life until we were all adults). He told us that when he married our mother he also gained seven children in addition to his own daughter. "What a bargain!" I quipped. He also made sure we knew that we were entirely and utterly blessed to have such a wonderful mother. Of course, we already knew that and have known it all our lives.

Early Tuesday morning my sister and I packed up again and left for home. I dropped her off around noon and headed back to my husband, my kids and my dog and cat; back to my life in northern Virginia. The sun was shining bright and the sky a crisp, clear Carolina blue as I pulled up my driveway. I smiled, forever grateful for having made the trip and knowing that life is good indeed.