My Heart's Desire

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you." St. Augustine

The words of the visiting priest keep haunting me. A good examination of conscience at the end of each day is to ask yourself what have I desired? Generally speaking it is He, I desire most. My heart longs for Him, my soul aches for Him. Or so I say. But, and this is a painful admission, in the evening when I reflect on my day, what have I really desired? Do my actions reflect what my heart yearns for most?

If so, why then, do I make excuses for not attending daily Mass regularly? If so, why when my husband asks if I would like to go to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament with him on Tuesday nights, do I always say, "No, I'm going tomorrow." (It is true that I go on Wednesdays, but why not more often? And why pass up an opportunity to go there to pray with my husband?) If so, why do I spend more time thinking about God than actually talking to Him or listening to Him?

What do I desire? Lots of things, among them a whole host of material wants, a new this and new that. I seem to always want what I don't or can't have. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but when my desire for these things outweighs my gratitude for what I do have and I find myself pouting over my less than 'perfect' house with it's need for upgrades and repairs - that's when I need a reality check. I've fooled myself many a time into thinking my priorities were spot on, but upon closer inspection, no, they're really not. I know I'm in trouble when my desire for things eclipses my desire for Him.

And so, I pray ... Jesus, fill me with desire for You alone. As much as you thirst for me, for all souls, let me thirst for You.  Forgive my selfishness, my desire to satisfy my hunger with material possessions. Give me the grace to know that only You can fill me. Save me from myself.

This night, as I reflect on my day and ask myself what have I desired today, I hope and pray that I can truly and freely answer, "You alone, dear Jesus. You alone."