My daughter, you are BEAUTIFUL!

Thank you everyone for reading Megan's series about her journey toward finding her beautiful self. Your prayers, comments and words of encouragement are so gratefully appreciated. As with all sojourns, for Megan the journey is one she embarks on with each rising sun. Each day brings her closer to knowing her true Love and King, the Author of life and the reason for her being. As with all pilgrimages she continually faces temptations and sometimes roadblocks pop up seemingly out of nowhere. That's why it is so vital for her to maintain and nurture her life of prayer, praise and adoration; to immerse herself continuously in a sacramental life. Let this be a lesson for all of us.

As Megan's mom, I found that facing and accepting the pain she grappled with as a teen and young adult a very difficult pill to swallow. When she first shared her struggles with me my heart sank in a pool of guilt and disappointment (in myself). Perhaps it is natural for a mother to immediately question, "Where did I go wrong? How have I managed to fail her?" Did she not know that I have always loved her simply for who she is? I have always found her to be a truly unique and amazingly beautiful child of God.

She assures me that I did not go wrong. She recently explained to me that she never felt that I judged her or made a big fuss over her appearance or weight gain and for that, she says, she is grateful.

All my babies were born big. Megan, my smallest newborn, weighed 9.4 oz. They all grew at their own pace and none of them were (or are) similar in body type. Megan started getting 'chubby' around age 7. I wasn't too concerned, but did work with our pediatrician in figuring out a nutritional plan that included more healthy choices - particularly for snacks. As an entire family, we needed to change our eating habits and unfortunately, since no one else seemed to have a problem with weight, the cookies, cakes, chips, etc. stuck around. So, Megan ate them, too. How could I expect a 10 year old girl to resist the temptation to reach into a box of Little Debbies? I remember saying to the doctor, "But she is so active! This is not a couch potato kid!" She hardly ever sat still. She was always on the move. Nonetheless, she continued to gain weight. We tested her for metabolic disorders, diabetes, and other health issues, but she was healthy. We kept her active in soccer and outdoor activities.

I do remember the tears - mostly as she started really caring about how she looked. I always told her that she had a beautiful soul and that was most important. My love for her wasn't based on how much or how little she weighed or what she looked like. To me, she was utterly lovable and always beautiful. She was always my princess.

As she neared middle school, I remember telling her not to worry, she would most likely outgrow it - just like her Aunt Joan who was also plump as a young child, but as a teen and young adult had shot up and thinned out. But Megan was already comparing herself to the young women on television, in movies and in magazines. She started believing what the world defined as beautiful and the image that stared back at her in the mirror did not fit the bill. When I told her I thought she was gorgeous, or that I could simply fall into the deep, green pools that are her eyes or that her hair was thick and lustrous and smelled so good; she would reply, "But you're my mom. You're supposed to say those things. You're supposed to love me no matter what." If I'd tell her that one of my friends remarked at how cute she looked or what a gorgeous smile she had, she would only balk and say, "Yeah, they're just being nice." or "But they're old, what do they know?" She wanted affirmation from her peers and from 'the world' and they were letting her down.

So, what's a mother to do when her words and affection aren't enough? Don't stop, that's what! Keep right on loving her, praying for her, and laying the foundation, cemented in Christ, that will ultimately carry her up and out of the quagmire of self deprecation and poor self-image.

At first, my husband and I were very supportive of Megan's dieting and decision to eat only healthy foods. I was pleased to know that she had taken it upon herself to learn about nutrition and a healthier life style. Everyone in our family seemed to take a new interest in seriously cutting out the junk from our diets. After awhile, however, we noticed Megan obsessing about how many calories she was consuming each day. "How many ounces was that piece of chicken?" she would demand. She used an online calorie calculator to keep track of every bite of food. She knew she should be consuming at least a certain amount of calories per day, but she was falling far short of that number. The pounds were melting off of her. Finally, she looked much too thin. My husband was concerned and wanted her to stop dieting. 

Things seemed to settle down a bit as Megan neared the end of high school. I was not aware of her attraction to bulimia until she confessed to me earlier this year that she had actually tried it a few times. Thankfully, it did not become a serious problem for her. Thankfully, she met wonderful friends - God loving peers -  at Belmont Abbey College who have helped her in accepting herself and loving herself for who God created her to be. (I can't believe we almost didn't send her there! But God made it clear - that's where He willed her to be.) Megan is learning what it means to be truly feminine, to be truly beautiful and she knows that's not what the world offers.

As her mom, are there things I wished I had done differently over the years? Sure. For one thing - I wish I had known as much about the food we eat, or hopefully avoid, back then as I do now. I would definitely have made much better choices for meals - starting when my kids were infants. And I would never, ever have taken them to fast food restaurants. Ever. I wish I had been more mindful of helping them understand that Hollywood and the fashion industry masks what is truly beautiful and distorts it. They take what's real and make it fake. It's one thing to style your hair or apply lip gloss and eye shadow to help you feel pretty and feminine, but we must not reject and abhor the bodies and attributes that God has given us. Finally, we didn't watch a lot of television, by most standards, but I wish we had watched even less or none at all.

But, mostly I'd do the same things again. I know Megan appreciates the love and affection she received growing up. We are very close. We share many, many things, she and I. I've related how I, too, felt awkward, ugly and unloved as a teen and into my adulthood. I didn't battle weight issues, but I had horrible acne and a boyish figure. In other words, I had my own demons to contend with. I've shared how I dealt with all of that garbage (sometimes badly) and how I've overcome it all. I believe in my heart that this has helped Megan to know and to trust me.

I do not regret that my husband and I did our best to educate our children in the ways of God. We, like many, were poorly catechized in the "60's & 70's"; therefore, as parents, we were determined to center our lives on Christ; to live sacramental lives and carry out every aspect of our faith every day. Megan assures me that this foundation - even though she was tempted to not take it very seriously - ultimately helped keep her on the right path. As she matured and moved away from home for the first time, she had to discover everything that had been passed down to her in a new way. It needed to be real. She needed to make it her own. So, either she was going to reject it altogether or cling to and ingest it in a whole new way. By the grace of God, her relationship with Christ became very real and much more intimate. She grew to know and love Our Lady, too. As she states in her, "Journey to Beauty" series and as I mention above, God placed wonderful friends in her life to help her see herself as HE sees her. These caring friends have helped reinforce the foundations that my husband and I, her siblings and other relatives and life-long friends, have laid down in her life.

In today's Gospel from Saint Matthew (Mt.14:22-23), Saint Peter, in the dark of night, is walking on the water of the Sea of Galilee toward Jesus. Frightened by the strength of the wind, Peter loses faith and begins to sink. He cries out, "Lord, save me!" And then we see that immediately Jesus stretches out his hand and catches Peter. Megan was sitting next to me at Mass this morning as we listened to our parochial vicar preach about this part of the Gospel. He emphasized how Christ is right there all the time ready to save us from peril. He hears and responds - immediately -  to our desperate pleas for help. At the end of part two of her Journey to Beauty, referring to the spring of her freshman year, Megan writes, "By this time my spiritual life had sky rocketed…it actually amazes me how much the Lord rescued me in such a short amount of time." Amazing, indeed!

Thank you for your continued prayers and well wishes for Megan. I know God has mighty plans in store for this girl! I'd like to also personally thank Kate Wicker for her comments and messages to Megan. Coincidentally, Megan and I had just received our copy of Kate's book Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body in the mail. I was reading the first two chapters in the Adoration Chapel at my parish about the very same time Kate was leaving a lovely comment for Megan after reading part one of Journey to Beauty. For anyone who has experience with eating disorders or knows someone who struggles with self-image issues, the book is highly recommended.

Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever!