A letter to my daughters

My dearest daughters,

I'm not one for offering unsolicited advice; however, every now and again you do seek my thoughts and opinion regarding adulthood, dating, marriage and family. So, I've decided, for what it's worth, to share my "wisdom" here with you and your "sisters" - the young women of your generation and maybe even for your own daughters who may be interested in what their grandmother has to say. Some of this advice I myself heeded, but not all of it and I regret, now, that I had not. You probably have friends, acquaintances and relatives who may not agree with everything I'm going to share with you. I suppose some will think me too naive and unsophisticated or accuse me of being too religious. So be it. As a serious Catholic, living in a secular society that scorns so much of what I believe, I've actually grown accustomed to it.

So here we go -

I love the idea of praying for your future spouse, even though you may not have a young man in mind at all. Pray for the well-being of his soul and for his decision-making, that he will always be guided by the Holy Spirit. Someday when you meet, you will have already begun somewhat of a relationship with him. A spiritual one. How beautiful to one day tell him that you've been praying for him long before you even met. (I think it's a worthwhile practice for parents to pray for the future spouses of their children, too.) Although many are called to marriage and family life, we know that some are called to the consecrated religious life. What then, of these prayers? I'm sure God hears them all the same and perhaps applies them to our holy, Mother Church or to the members of a particular religious community. And still others may be called to the single life. Whatever your future holds, know that our prayers are never wasted.

You've heard the old adage, "Practice makes perfect." Well, it's true. Practice, what? Virtue! The world beckons young people to unchastity and impurity. Everywhere you look - movies, television, books, music videos, fashion - the message is clear: the sexier you appear, act, feel, the better. Lies, all lies. People hear the word modesty and I suppose they immediately assume we (those militant modesty mongers), wish that all women wrap themselves from head to toe in burqas. It is possible to dress fashionably and not look like you are selling yourself to men on a street corner.  Sex may sell, but honestly, in the end I believe it is purity that many find most attractive.

I often hear those in favor of artificial birth control sneer, "Abstinence?! Give me a break, after all I'm human!" I hear it in defense of sex outside of marriage but, by many married couples, too, who have difficulty accepting natural family planning methods and obviously haven't a clue about what chastity in marriage means. What they don't know is that by practicing abstinence, particularly outside of marriage, and by not giving in to temptation one is actually being more human! God made us in His image and likeness. Think about what that means. He wants us to be like Him - free from the bondage of sin. When we choose to live a life of sin, we choose to be less human because we drive ourselves further and further away from His image and likeness.

Is it easy, this life of virtue? Not necessarily, because we are, after all, fallen human beings and we suffer the effects of original sin. But we cannot argue that the tools and the opportunities for grace aren't there to help us turn away from sins of the flesh or from any sin. The Holy Spirit working through the Church, has given us a road map to holiness, the means to practice and grow in virtue. It may be wise to examine these tools in more detail a little later on, but for now they are at least worth mentioning. For starters we've been handed down Holy Scripture - the very Word of God - where Christ instructs us how to live a life of virtue. We are guided not only by God's Ten Commandments, but by the very words and commands of His Son, e.g., the greatest and first commandment, "You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37) and the Beatitudes from His Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5), and so on. We are directed, too, by the precepts of the Church, the spiritual and corporal works of mercy. We are invited and encouraged to live a life a grace by regularly making use of the sacraments, by prayer and meditation. We can never cease learning about the triune God and our relationship with Him, through the volumes of spiritual writing that have been handed down to us over many centuries. We are encouraged to participate in continuing, life-long catechesis. We have many, good very learned, holy priests and spiritual directors to help us along our way.

Certainly, you will encounter circumstances and events that seem meaningless and make no sense unless you gaze at them through the lens of eternity. Discern and choose wisely. Ask yourself, how will this decision, this action, this choice affect me eternally? Are there moral, or ethical ramifications?  We, as our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI says, are living eternity now. Our choices have consequences now and forever. Pray to know His will and follow it. Making the wrong choices often makes life much harder than it has to be, but God is loving and infinitely merciful. When we say no to Him, he consistently calls us back through the sacrament of confession. Know that He never ceases to love you and take every opportunity to bathe in His mercy.

You already know that much of what I described above certainly applies to married life. I cannot emphasize enough the need for you and your husband (future husband to you who are unmarried) to pray unceasingly, together and apart, about all the decisions you two must make. Involve God in every aspect of your lives together. Marriage really does take three. Really. Make frequent use of the sacraments; particularly Mass and Confession. Communicate. You will not always agree, but talk about issues or difficulties fairly. No hitting below the belt. Never, ever speak ill of your husband to your children. Praise him and lift  him up - let them know how much you love and respect him.

Know yourself. Ask God to show you how he sees you. Sometimes I'm surprised by what I do see - in a very good way! His love is infinite and even though I mess up - too often - Jesus always loves me and is very forgiving. It has been beneficial for me to finally understand my own personality and temperament types, as well as your father's and those of my children. Once I figured it out, my expectations became more realistic resulting in more patience and understanding on my part.  Realize, as your family grows, although there will certainly be family traits common to all your offspring, each child is unique. Most times, where discipline is concerned, what works well for one doesn't always work so well for the other. Be flexible and trust yourself. You know your child best.

You already know how strongly I feel about staying home to raise your family. Do not work outside the home unless you absolutely must. If possible, have lots of kids. There will be many challenges, but far more rewards. Entrust each of them to the care of Our Lady and go to her often for reassurance and consolation. I also really don't think a three or four year old needs to go to preschool. I think that in most cases it's the mom who needs the break that sending her child off to preschool affords. I am not necessarily opposed to an institutionalized education; however, I do think in many cases home-schooling is the best option. Even if you do send your child off to school, always remember: you are his first and primary educator, even the Church says so. (Click here to read what Father John Hardon, S.J. has to say about it.)

Keep your children away from television as much as possible. In fact, don't have a TV at all. Supply them with good, wholesome literature, lots of plain paper and pencils, crayons, markers or paints. Foster their imaginations. Give them a few good toys that help in this endeavor. Let them have sheets and blankets to lay over the furniture to make tents or caves. Spend lots of time outside. Let them explore and learn all they can about God's creation. Teach them to cook, clean, and build things (I'm sure Grandpa is willing to lend a hand!).

Always spend time with your kids and listen to them. They have a lot to say and you may even learn a thing or two.

Teach them early on about God, about all our spiritual treasures. Whisper in that baby's ear that Jesus loves him and tell him often, every day, as he grows.

Work with your spouse at keeping the romance alive in your marriage. There will be seasons throughout your married life when you will feel the love more than at other times. Realize that your relationship always needs nurturing. Find a trustworthy babysitter and take advantage of date nights, or occasional weekend get-aways. And don't forget to simply sit and snuggle. Always tell each other, "I love you."

My sweets, whether you are married or not, maintain and cultivate good, solid, faith-filled friendships with other women and other couples who share your worldview. Get together regularly and offer mutual support and encouragement. Every now and then, just let your hair down and go out with the girls for an evening of fun and laughter. Keep close to your family, too. To me and your dad, to one another and to your brother.

Finally, my best advice is to remain close to the heart of Jesus. Just as a mother knows her child best, He knows you best. Spending time alone with Christ, gazing into His eyes as He gazes into your soul is essential to growing in love and holiness.

I love you, my darlings, with all my heart. You are forever in my prayers, please keep me in yours. I look forward to our continuing conversations and hope to examine some of these thoughts more closely in future correspondence.

With deepest affection,
Mama

• Some recommended reading:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.

The Temperament God Gave You: The Classic Key to Knowing Yourself, Getting Along with Others, and Growing Closer to the Lord by Art and Laraine Bennett

The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett

Blessed Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body and other books based on it found here. (Please note: I have not read many of them, but they look promising.)

Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla (Blessed Pope John Paul, II)