Sunday, December 19, 2010

Daybook on the Fourth Sunday of Advent

FOR TODAY

Outside My Window
A nearly full moon shines brightly in the evening sky illuminating scattered patches of snow that have decided to stick around for awhile. Silhouettes of trees stand black and tall reaching heavenward. It is cold, but not quite as frigid as it has been. Christmas lights twinkle in a gentle breeze. It is a beautiful night.
I am Remembering
Erin, probably no more than two, spied a full moon one evening, extended her arms and cried out longingly, "Oh, moon! My moon! My moon!" I think about that moment every time I see a moon full to overflowing.
From the Kitchen
Thursday will be our big baking day. I will make my grandmother's molasses cookies. Actually, they're Freda Foley's molasses drop cookies. I assume Freda was my grandmother's friend. Christmas would not be the same without these cookies. Nor would it be the same without Margaret McMahon's coffee cake. I'm not sure who Margaret McMahon is or was, but the recipe comes from Jim's grandmother and we always serve it Christmas morning. It is simply delicious, packed with nuts and cinnamon. It is scrumptious with hot tea later in the afternoon, too!
I am Grateful for
I began praying on my drive over to the adoration chapel on Wednesday afternoon. Exhausted and near tears, I asked Him to give me peace. I asked Him to give me the grace to rest in His Presence and to stay aware. He heard me. I listened. My hour seemed only minutes when I suddenly realized it was time to leave. And I departed in peace, renewed once more.
I am Wearing 
My red Belmont Abbey sweatshirt over a cream colored mock turtleneck, jeans and Sperry Topsiders.
I am Creating
A Christmas home! Complete with all the sights, sounds and smells of this holy, wondrous season. This final week of Advent brings heightened anticipation marked by a childlike giddiness. Help me, Lord, to soak it all in.
On Pandora
At the moment: "The Holly and the Ivy" by the Cambridge Singers
I am Going
To work for only 3 days this week ... yippee!
I am Reading
My collection of Christmas books for children. I just brought them up from our basement this afternoon. Isaac was only interested in chewing on one.
I am Hoping
I am able, with His grace, to really and truly ready my heart and soul.
I am Hearing
A moment ago, I heard a fox screeching out back. I also heard Isaac crying in his crib upstairs. He was just going to sleep when I think he, too, heard the harrowing wail. The first time I heard a fox cry, I wondered if someone was being murdered along the path behind my house. It's bone-chilling!
Around the House
I finished the decorating with the exception of a few last minute things. I will cut fresh holly from the bushes beside the house and evergreens, too, to place here and there on Christmas Eve. It feels very, very good to have it done - but there is still quite a bit of cleaning to do, especially my bedroom. I'm not sure if it was a hurricane or a tornado that whipped through there, but whatever it was, I've deemed it a disaster area. And boy, does it make me crabby!
I am Praying
For Katie who is better in some ways, but still not feeling very well and having issues with her vision in one eye. She is excited to return to her apartment with Sam and Isaac and I am very happy for them. But, oh how I will miss them, especially that baby boy! Thank goodness they only live 10 minutes away!!
One of My Favorite Things
Jim singing all the wrong words to Christmas carols, but with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step. And the wonderful, awkward way he wraps his gifts for me.
A Few Plans for the Week
Work. Clean. Bake. Cook. Party. Midnight Mass! (Maybe there will be snow!)
I am Pondering
Joy and Sorrow - twin sisters born of Love!
A Picture Thought

Thank you, Jim Dear!

One of our first ornaments.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Now there were Shepherds

Now there were shepherds in that region living in the fields and keeping the night watch over their flock. The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were struck with great fear. The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger." And suddenly there was a multitude of the heavenly host with the angel, praising God and saying: "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests." When the angels went away from them to heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go, then, to Bethlehem to see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us." So they went in haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the infant lying in the manger. When they saw this, they made known the message that had been told them about this child. All who heard it were amazed by what had been told them by the shepherds. And Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart. Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, just as it had been told to them. (Luke 2:8-20)
The night watch began like any other. The shepherds, residing in caves hewn from the rocky hillsides, stand vigil, protecting their flocks; determined to stave off any ravenous predators lurking about in the shadows. As they peer out at their fold, just as they have done countless other nights, the glory of the Lord suddenly illuminates their world as the angel of God delivers a message of great joy! The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; Upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom a light has shone. (Isaiah 9:1)


Although the Lord may well choose to shake us out of our complacency by means of a supernatural event; it is unlikely any of us will be visited by an angel. However, He invites us to venture outside of ourselves; away from our own obsessions, illusions, or insecurities and be ever vigilant so that when grace-filled moments do arise we may recognize His voice. And sometimes He challenges us to let go of old hang-ups or to view a situation in an entirely new light. And He always calls us to trust Him even when, and most certainly when, the mere thought of doing so brings anxiety and fear. Why are we so afraid? We tend to cling to old habits because, like old, worn-out slippers, they are comfortable and make us happy even though they really do us no good.

Our Lord also calls us to share the Good News either by word or deed. This, too, sometimes makes us uncomfortable; so uncomfortable in fact that we miss an opportunity to enlighten others. Perhaps we're embarrassed or don't want to offend. We fear lost friendships or - the situation I identify with most - we feel it's really none of our business. Nevertheless, the News truly is Good and begs to be shared. Initially, the shepherds are struck with great fear upon seeing and hearing the angel. Of course, God has just rocked their world in a huge way! But they choose to trust the message of the angel and immediately set off for Bethlehem to see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made know to us. And when they see Mary and Joseph, and the infant lying in the manger ... they make known the message that had been told them about this child.

Will we allow our fear or uncertainty to paralyze us? How far will our trust propel us?

(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Pilgrimage Toward Christmas

The following originally appeared in a series of  reflections I had composed for an Advent program at my parish in 2006. I've tweaked it a bit here. I'd almost forgotten about it, but I thought of it again as this past week has had me seeking Jesus in the quiet places of my heart - away from the anxiety of figuring out "the perfect" Christmas presents and the constant flurry of my online purchasing - away from the busyness of this pre-Christmas season. I simply wanted to hunker down and soak in all the treasures and wonderment of waiting. Additionally (and regretfully), it has been another bad week for Katie, as she's now been hit with migraines, including dizziness and nausea. In the flurry of caring for her and Isaac this week and juggling my work schedule, I was graced by a few quiet moments when I could hear His whisper - when I knew He was still there residing in my heart and calling me to be at peace. As I continue my own journey toward Christmas, I pray for the grace to be always ready to answer the call to solitude and oneness with Him.

**************************************

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, “Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you.” But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” And the angel said to her in reply, “The holy spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing is impossible for God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her. (Luke 1:26-38)

Perhaps Mary had stolen a few silent moments alone in the grotto behind her house to pray to God. While in deep communion with her heavenly Father the angel comes to her.  Her holiness, her perfection permits her to recognize the angel as other-worldly, yet St. Luke tells us she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. A faithful and virtuous young Jewish maiden, Mary is very familiar with Holy Scripture and leads a life of prayer and obedience. She knows that God sends His messengers during moments of great significance. Gripped by uncertainty she questions why God is visiting her in such dramatic fashion? What has she done? Has she offended Him somehow? Gabriel quickly calms her troubled spirit commanding her to be not afraid for she is in fact God’s favored one. He states God’s will for her and also offers an explanation of just how she will soon become the mother of the Savior of mankind – “the holy spirit will come upon you …”

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Imagine that immediately prior to these words - to Our Lady’s fiat - all of creation stood still in hopeful anticipation of the words that would result in the fulfillment of mankind’s centuries long expectation. Imagine the evil one paralyzed by fear and anger now realizing that this was indeed the woman spoken about in Genesis. I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers. He will strike at your head, while you strike at his heel. (Gen. 3:15)

Mary, ever eager to please God knew that this responsibility would require great sacrifice; the first indication of the cross she must also bear. Accompanying this suffering are peace and joy; the peace and joy that can only come from surrendering our will completely to God, so that it is no longer our own, but His.
In this place of seclusion, this grotto, God, by way of His messenger, comes to Mary. It is here that the most significant moment in history occurs. It is here that the Word becomes flesh and dwells among us – Hic Verbum caro factum est – because Mary was ready, willing, and able to say yes.

As we continue our advent journey how disposed are we to welcoming God’s message into our own hearts? How do we prepare interiorly? Will we be able to say yes to what He has in mind for us? Do we fear the sacrifices that must be made; of leaving our comfort zone? Will the cross be too burdensome? In the midst of the ‘busyness’ of our lives, can we even hear His voice let alone decipher the message? We must quiet ourselves as God approaches us in our solitude.

From the great prophet Elijah’s experience in a cave atop Mt. Horeb we learn that God sometimes speaks to us gently and quietly. Then the LORD said, "Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by." A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD--but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake--but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire--but the LORD was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave. A voice said to him, "Elijah, why are you here?" (1Kings 19:11-13)

To recognize and hear His voice when He whispers to us, we must gaze inside ourselves and examine what we find hidden in the crevices. If we take an honest look at who we truly are, by entering the cave of self-knowledge, what do we discover? We may find our hopes and our fears; our strengths and our weaknesses; our sinfulness and our vulnerability. And then gratefully, like Elijah we may hide our face in our cloak because we, too, may hear a tiny whispering sound and be able to respond, here I am Lord, I’ve come to do your will. (Psalm 40:8-9)
 
Mary’s obedience and desire to do His will was built upon trust. She trusted Him completely. I am praying for that kind of trust, so that I, too, may discover His will for me at every moment and be ready, willing, and able to answer with nary a second thought, "may it be done to me according to your Word."

(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

On Forgiveness

In my previous blog post, Thanksgiving Daybook, the day after, I mention that I am pondering the topic of forgiveness; more specifically, our obligation to forgive those who do not seek repentance. Some may assume by reading this that I am currently struggling with forgiving someone; however that is not the case. The question posed continues to tickle my brain ever since my spiritual director and I discussed it several years ago. He posits that we are not obligated to forgive others when it is clear that they don't want us to and they hold no remorse for knowingly offending us. Based on conversations surrounding forgiveness that arise often, I have discovered that almost no one agrees with this position. So, I guess I am still trying to 'get my head around it'.

In agreeing with my former spiritual director, does this mean that I don't have a forgiving heart? No. I fully understand 'forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those' and I know that if we choose not to forgive someone, we cannot expect our heavenly Father to forgive us:
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matt. 6:14–15).

This morning, I discovered an excellent article, that I highly recommend, on the Catholic Answers - This Rock web site written in 2003 by Jimmy Akin entitled, The Limits of Forgiveness.

In his essay, Mr. Akin discusses: Forgiveness and Feelings, Anger and Sin, Anger and Forgiveness, What Forgiveness is Not, Preemptive Forgiveness, and What Forgiveness is. This piece has offered the clarity and reassurance I have been seeking - particularly the final two sections. Allow me to quote from the article:

We aren’t obligated to forgive people who do not want us to. This is one of the biggest stumbling blocks that people have regarding the topic. People have seen "unconditional" forgiveness and love hammered so often that they feel obligated to forgive someone even before that person has repented. Sometimes they even tell the unrepentant that they have preemptively forgiven him (much to the impenitent's annoyance).

This is not what is required of us.

Consider Luke 17:3–4, where Jesus tells us, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him."

Notice that Jesus says to forgive him if he repents, not regardless of whether he does so. Jesus also envisions the person coming back to you and admitting his wrong.

The upshot? If someone isn’t repentant, you don’t have to forgive him.

If you do forgive him anyway, that can be meritorious, provided it doesn’t otherwise have bad effects (e.g., encouraging future bad behavior). But it isn’t required of us that we forgive the person.

This may strike some people as odd. They may have heard unconditional love and forgiveness preached so often that the idea of not indiscriminately forgiving everybody sounds unspiritual to them. They might even ask, "But wouldn’t it be more spiritual to forgive everyone?"

I sympathize with this argument, but there is a two-word rejoinder to it: God doesn’t.

Not everybody is forgiven. Otherwise, we’d all be walking around in a state of grace all the time and have no need of repentance to attain salvation. God doesn’t like people being unforgiven, and he is willing to grant forgiveness to all, but he isn’t willing to force it on people who don’t want it. If people are unrepentant of what they know to be sinful, they are not forgiven.

Jesus died once and for all to pay a price sufficient to cover all the sins of our lives, but God doesn’t apply his forgiveness to us in a once-and-for-all manner. He forgives us as we repent.
Yes, we still need to have a heart of mercy. God desires all of us to reside in Heaven with Him and I do believe, as Mr. Akin points out in his conclusion (please see article), that we must have the same attitude toward forgiveness as our Heavenly Father does. We, too, should will that all God's children repent of their sins and offenses. If someone has sinned against us knowingly and remains unrepentant, we must never cease to hope and pray for his salvation while we offer the deep sting of our wounds to Christ, our true healer.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving Daybook, the day after

FOR TODAY

Outside my window

I spy a new squirrel's nest nestled in one of our maples along the property line out back. Most of the leaves have fallen and our trees stand bare against a steel gray sky. It's blustery and colder now than when I first stepped outside this morning to walk the dog. Off and on all morning a light drizzle has been falling covering everything in a fine, glistening mist. The air is pungent with an autumnal aroma. For some reason it reminds me of collecting chestnuts as a young child on Long Island. I loved cracking open the outer casing and running my fingers over the smoothness of the nut inside. I wonder if that's why I adore "The Christmas Song" - you know, Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ...

I am thankful for
So, so much. This has been one of the best Thanksgivings I can remember. Everyday I thank God for the blessings we've received over the past two months. For all the friends and family members who have helped us out during Katie's illness by cooking dinners, buying Isaac diapers, formula, clothes. For all the letters, e-mails, and cards of encouragement & support. For those who came to help care for Katie and Isaac while the rest of us headed off to work. For all the prayers, sacrifices, Mass intentions offered by so many kind souls - even those who don't know us, but heard about Katie's illness through friends & family or my blog posts. For Katie's doctor, Dr. Cintron, who figured out the 'real deal' and continues to offer her and Sam (and all of us) so much hope. And I am thankful, too, for life's trials; for the suffering that brings me closer and closer to Him and for the Grace He gives to endure it all, knowing all the while that my burdens are His burdens and none are too heavy for Him to carry with me and for me. I am thankful for Faith, Hope and yes, Love. Love that the world knows not and can never know without His Grace.

From the kitchen

A successfully delicious meal prepared, presented and consumed yesterday. I LOVE THANKSGIVING! The girls (Katie and Erin) made pies, a cheesecake and cranberry sauce on Wednesday. I managed to get my cornbread (for stuffing) baked late Wednesday night. At 6:30 Thanksgiving morning I headed down stairs, put on a pot of coffee (Starbuck's Thanksgiving blend - my fav!) and started preparing the stuffing. First I removed "the bird" from the basement refrigerator, so it could warm up to room temperature. I decided on making a cornbread stuffing so that Erin could eat it - it's gluten free! It was made with bacon, celery and leeks. Very yummy. I stuffed the turkey, buttered him all over, covered him with a piece of cheesecloth that had been soaked in melted butter and dry white wine. Basted him with the butter/wine mixture every 30 minutes or so until it was time to remove the cheesecloth (about 2 hours in) and then I used the pan juices. Oh, my gosh! What a delicious turkey! Our sides consisted of green beans tossed with a cherry vinaigrette which proved to be very refreshing, a sweet potato pudding that was out of this world yummy, of course, the stuffing and Katie's cranberry sauce - more like a relish, I would say. Everything was a variation of what I traditionally serve on Thanksgiving - only more grown-up. Okay, so maybe I'm bragging - but Erin and my brother both said it was the best Thanksgiving meal they've ever had. And that, of course, made me very happy.
Can't wait to eat the leftovers! 
On Pandora

Veni, Veni Emanuel (Mannheim Steamroller)
- an tad early start on Advent which starts Sunday

I am wearing

Still in my p.j.'s!! :)

I am thinking

About all the descriptions and photos of beach house rentals that I've been poring over the last few weeks. I just need to stop being a perfectionist, pick one and reserve it for next June!

I am creating

Lists. Of all sorts of things, because I'm a list person. Without my lists I am disorganized and forget what I need to get, do, plan. 

I am going

Somewhere fun tonight, but shh, it's a secret - for now.

I am reading


I am hoping and praying
That Katie's health continues to improve. She is doing remarkably well and is even talking about returning to the apartment soon. 

I am hearing 

Some of the deck furniture scooting around in the wind. The temperature continues to dip ... brr!

Around the house - inside and out

I will begin my pre-Christmas cleaning. It includes washing windows inside and out, as well as tidying up the outside entry-way. My flower beds have been cleaned up, but I've left a few petunias that continue to bloom. I still have lots of roses on my small rose bush. The flowers are perfectly lovely, white with a blush of pale pink.  Every time I gaze upon it I am reminded of Our Lady's constant love and prayers.

One of my favorite things

In the whole world is greeting Isaac and getting him up after he awakens in the morning. He is always so happy! This, I will miss terribly when they go from here back to where they need to be. And, true enough, there is joy in knowing Katie's health will allow it. 

I am pondering

Forgiveness. Specifically, this question - if someone is not sorry for an offense he's committed against us, knowing full well it has harmed us in some way, and has no intention of asking for forgiveness are we obliged to forgive him? To do so really does nothing for him, but perhaps only makes us feel better. When God forgives us - it's for our sake, not His. Before Our Lord forgives us, aren't we also obliged to ask His forgiveness and have - at least imperfect, if not perfect - contrition for our sins committed against Him? Do we follow this model when forgiving one another?

A few plans for the weekend

Planning to enjoy Megan and my brother, Fr. Jim, before they head back south on Sunday. Hoping to spend some time tomorrow out and about with them and Erin, Katie and Isaac - perhaps head to Reston Town Center to window shop and watch the ice-skating and maybe even slip inside a cozy restaurant for a hot toddy!

A picture thought


My Chickies







 






Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mid-November Daybook

For Today

Outside my window
Another gorgeous November morning. Crisp and clear - not a cloud in the sky. Fallen leaves blanket the lawn, but there are still quite a few clinging to their branches. Their hue is richer now and electrifying against the deep blue sky.
I am thinking
About veterans - with a grateful heart. Especially my Dad who fought in WWII against the Japanese. That war changed him; it changed all of us - it changed the world. Offering special prayers today for all service men and women; past and present and the ones to come. Praying, too, for peace. The peace that only God can give and is possible if only we opened our hearts to Him.
From the kitchen
Yummy, yummy recipes for Thanksgiving dinner. Considering these sides:  Sweet Potato Pudding with Pecan and Gingersnap Topping; Corn Bread, Bacon, Leek & Pecan Stuffing; Green Beans w/Toasted Walnuts & Dried-Cherry Vinaigrette ... still looking at more recipes.
 I am wearing
My black yoga pants and my gray Ocean City sweatshirt
I am creating
Nothing really ...
On Pandora
Norah Jones radio - right now, 'Love' by Matt White
I am reading
bon appetit magazine - Thanksgiving special, food network magazine - the Thanksgiving issue, Martha Stewart Living - November issue and a variety of blog recipes - e.g., Annie's Eats and The Pioneer Woman.
I am hoping
That after Katie finishes her "tapering down" steroids that she will have no other ancillary health issues. I hope her body will bounce back after two successive bouts of steroid withdrawal.
I am hearing
Katie playing with Isaac - singing and laughing. Isaac giggles and raspberry blowing! MUSIC to my hears!
Around the house
Just trying to keep things orderly ...
I am praying
for my step-sister who was recently diagnosed with stage four breast cancer and someone I used to know who is battling another kind of rare cancer. She has asked for prayers through the intercession of Venerable Solanus Casey, who happens to be one of my all time favs. Please join me in prayers for this beautiful woman - a homeschooling mother of 8 whose littlest one is just over two years old. Her name is Deb, and for my step-sister, Brenda, too.
One of my favorite things this week
Watching Isaac eat bananas for the very first time. He LOVED them!
A few plans for the weekend
I need to find a dressy camisole or maybe a shimmery tank to wear under a dress I bought to wear to the Divine Mercy Care Gala on Saturday night. The dress is pretty, but waaaaaaaay too revealing otherwise.
 I am pondering
His unfathomable ocean of Love and I can't stop pondering it.
A picture thought

Erin, who turned 23 this week, with her big sister Katie circa 1989


(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Feeding her baby

That smile on Katie's face - so incredibly good to see!

Isaac's a little uncertain, but he decided very quickly that he likes rice cereal!

Sam is enjoying this special moment, too!

So sweet!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

At last, good news ...

Katie had an appointment with her neurologist, Dr. Cintron, last night. He was very encouraging and explained that what made her so sick and sent her to the hospital the last two times was steroid withdrawal. The doctors at the hospital did not prescribe any steroids for her to take at home to taper off from the IV doses she had received.  Unbelievable. So much suffering could have been avoided had the physicians at the hospital made smarter decisions for my daughter.

The lumbar puncture results did not show any antibodies for MS, so Dr. Cintron thinks that she most likely contracted a virus and instead of her immune system attacking the virus it attacked the myelin sheath of her spinal cord causing the transverse myelitis. He is not completely ruling out MS, there is a slight possibility, but she has no lesions on her brain either (the neurologist at the hospital said she did and was 100% convinced she had a horrible case of MS). Apparently 50 % of patients who suffer from transverse myelitis do not have MS. He wants to check her again in three weeks and then have her undergo another MRI in 6 months and then again in a year.

Katie still has a fairly long road ahead. Healing will take time and she may not notice improvement on a daily basis, but each new week should be better than the previous one. Dr. Cintron said she should be feeling back to normal or very close to normal by the beginning of the new year. He also prescribed the correct dosage of oral steroids for her to take. They are designed to allow her body to begin creating its own natural steroids again.

After the lumbar puncture, he also ran an extensive test for Lyme disease - which includes detecting the tick's DNA in the spinal fluid. There was no evidence of it at all. He does not recommend any further testing for Lyme.

We are encouraged by this news and are looking forward to the day when Katie is up and about and taking care of all the normal things moms take care of. I cannot wait to see her picking up that adorable little boy, bathing him, running after him and tucking him into bed at night. What a glorious gift that will be - so simple; so profound.

A thousand thank yous, dear readers, for your thoughts and prayers!! Our Lord has graciously heard them and He has carried us through this trial with His infinite Love and Mercy. He is so GOOD! You all remain in my daily prayers.


Friday, October 29, 2010

Daybook October 29

FOR TODAY


Outside my window
It's breezy and cool. The maples and oaks are giving up their greens for bright yellows, rusts and crimsons. The sycamore dons giant pumpkin colored leaves. My favorite, the split trunk maple, has already lost all hers. She stands naked and shivering, yet resigned to face another winter with grace and confidence.
I am thinking
About our upcoming Thanksgiving celebration and all I am thankful for, but mostly I am thinking about preparing succulent sides to go along with the turkey and of course, pies. Katie desperately wants to make the pies. She will.
I am thankful for
All the dinners friends have been making and bringing to us. Every one of them has been delicious and truly very much appreciated!
From the kitchen
Just re-read what I am thankful for! :)
I am wearing
Jeans and my Franciscan University sweatshirt
I am creating
Words upon my heart - most of which are recorded in my private journal
On Pandora
Not on. Need to hear Isaac when he wakes up.
I am going
To work later and then maybe to the hospital to visit Katie - unless Sam brings her home this afternoon.
I am reading
Still reading snippets from Elizabeth Ann Seton's writings and Elisabeth Leseur. Very inspirational - especially now. I've also been reflecting on Elizabeth Foss' and Daniele Bean's Small Steps book. The October reflections have truly hit home!
I am hoping
The doctors figure out what's causing Katie's problems. They are leaning toward steroid withdrawal syndrome. I think they may be right. She needed to be tapered off after the last two hospitalizations. I've read that some patients need to be weaned off even if they've received large doses for only a day or two.
I am hearing
The buzzing of my refrigerator. The dull hum of traffic off in the distance. The breeze outside.
Around the house
With everything that's been going on around here I've still been able to keep things tidy and cleaned up - except for my bedroom. What a disaster!! Ugh. I must do something to remedy it soon.
I am praying
Always. But mostly short and to the point prayers. Haven't been able to focus enough to pray my rosary, but it will come back.
One of my favorite things
Holly protecting little Isaac. Holly is my 13 month old silver dappled dachshund. She loves Isaac. One day while I was feeding him, she hopped up on the chair next to me and placed her little head on Isaac's lap and fell asleep. No one was around to take a photo. It was very sweet.
A few plans for the weekend
Hopefully Katie will be home and on the mend. I really do need to make a dent in straightening up my bedroom. And maybe see if I can still find a pumpkin or two. Is it too late to plant pansies?
I am pondering
"... as to sickness, and death itself if it comes to us again we know that they are the common attendants of human life, they are our certain portion at one period or other, and it would be madness to be unhappy because I am treated like the rest of human beings." Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, Collected Writings.
A picture thought


 From the simple woman's daybook

(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick














Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Real Love

Eleven o'clock has passed and I should be in bed like everyone else. But I'm not. It's been a long day and this is the first moment I've had alone; a moment to breathe deep; a moment to find Him. He is there, always there ready to listen and to console. Thank you, my Jesus.

It's been just about a month now that my Katie has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It has been a month filled with all sorts of uphill climbs, blind alleys, smooth sailing then back to rough seas. At least now we have been given a ray of hope; a light at the end of the tunnel. Initially, the neurologist in the hospital presented quite a bleak picture for Katie beginning with his diagnosis. Definitely multiple sclerosis and a pretty bad case of it according to the MRI report. The doctor did not provide her much hope. Katie, newly married and the mother of a nearly 6 month old baby, wondered if she would spend the rest of her life wheel chair bound.  "Perhaps." He didn't really know. He would start her on a daily regimen of copaxone, a drug that inhibits the spread of the disease.  In the meantime, Katie made an appointment with another well known, highly recommended neurologist in our area.

She met with Dr. Ruben Cintron last week. He spent over an hour with her - chatting, explaining, studying her MRI results and finally, gratefully, offering her hope - showing her the light at the end of the tunnel. He spent several minutes looking and studying carefully each slide of the MRI. He read the radiologist's report. Finally, he said he was baffled. The report presents a fairly grim picture that is actually not reflected in the images. Some of the areas the radiologist referred to as 'lesions' were simple too vague for Dr. Cintron to make that determination. He said, "You probably have MS, you may not, but if you do it is a very mild case." He agreed to treat her with the copaxone as it will help if it is MS and it won't hurt if it isn't. He explained that neurologists almost never diagnose MS immediately after a patient presents her first episode. Normally, the patient is initially diagnosed with transverse myelitis which may be caused by a virus, MS or even Lyme disease. (Although Dr. Cintron is fairly confident it is not Lyme.) After a patient recovers from her first episode, it isn't until a second bout of symptoms occurs that the doctors will then confirm the MS. There may be a lapse of many years before the second episode occurs. Dr. Cintron told Katie that some patients experiencing transverse myelitis take up to a year to recover, but he feels she will be back to her old self in 2 to 3 months. I think if she could, Katie would have done the happy dance!

For now, the solu medrol (steroid) that Katie received in the hospital (a urinary tract infection sent her back to the hospital last week) has worn off leaving her in a severely weakened state. She cannot walk and is worn out by the simplest task. Dr. Cintron is putting her back on a round of steroids that she can take orally at home. In the meantime, with juggling our work schedules and with help from Sam's mom, we manage to take care of Katie's needs and little Isaac's, too. God sent us such a dear, sweet baby! Smiling all the time, hardly ever a tear. He is a constant source of joy amid this trial. And so is caring for my girl. When she apologizes over and over, I say, "Katie, you're my Isaac! I love you!" My burden is light! Sure, I'm tired at times - but that's because my body has limitations. My heart has none.

I see her struggling to take a step or two as Sam and I help her navigate her way from the bedroom to the bathroom and back and I remember and marvel at the words of their marriage vows, "... in sickness and in health." He is a good, good husband. This has been hard for him - he just wants to make it all better. Perhaps, for Katie the most difficult and most sorrowing aspect to this illness is not being able to care for her little one. "Will he forget I'm his mommy?" she wondered tearfully. Not only was it necessary for her to give up breast feeding him, but right now she can't do all the normal things mothers do - diapering, bathing, dressing, taking him for a stroll, or feeding him a bottle. No, my darling, he will not forget you are his mommy! He will always know and you will be chasing him around soon, I promise. And he will grow up never remembering any of this, only hearing the stories shared around the dinner table about the time he and Daddy and Mommy had to go live with Nana and Grandpa because Mommy was very ill. And how Mimi came, too, every day to help take care of him and Mommy. He will always know  how very loved he is by all his aunties and uncles, grandparents and friends and by his Mommy and Daddy, too, who love him most of all.

Katie and I have shared beautiful moments over the past several weeks. Thoughts and reflections spoken gently to one another. Quiet conversations about suffering and our acceptance of it; about its purpose; its necessity; its beauty. As my daughter suffers, I'm obtaining a clearer understanding of Our Lady's journey to Calvary, walking with her Son to the Cross and how her own immaculate heart was nailed to that very same cross the moment those nails pierced His hands and His feet. We Catholics call this type of suffering redemptive. It is offered for all the atrocities against Christ; for those we know about and those known only to Him. It leads us to caring about other souls and to see them as He sees them. It is love. Real love.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Daybook October 16

FOR TODAY


Outside my window
It is beautiful. Crisp, cool, breezy - an array of green turning toward gold against a sapphire backdrop.  All bathed in glorious sunshine.


I am thinking
That sometimes it's ok to say, "This really sucks."

I am thankful for
          The outpouring of love and prayers from friends and family on behalf of my Katie. And for the    countless unknown souls who are also praying - those members of prayer chains from many denominations, friends of friends and aquaintances, my brother's Masses, and the prayers of the dear, dear nuns at several convents.

From the kitchen
           Nothing new here. Only good, bold coffee.


I am wearing

My p.j.s and a zip-up hoodie.


I am creating
A sweet and beautiful story that, for now, resides in the depths of my soul where it lies hidden and protected. When I have more strength, I'll share it.


On Pandora
Piano Radio - currently, 'Longing' by Jon Dahlander


I am going
To visit my girl in the hospital today.


I am reading

          The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur. An AMAZING story of a devout Catholic woman whose undying love, compassion, prayers and sacrifices and words from her journals led her atheist husband to full conversion and eventually the priesthood after her untimely death from cancer.

I am hoping
         That Katie will regain her strength and walk again. That she will soon be back in the kitchen whipping up some delicious gourmet treat for her husband. That she will soon be able to cuddle her son and dance with him in the light of the moon.

I am hearing

          My husband eating breakfast in the kitchen. He is my rock.


Around the house

          Thinking about converting the living room into a bedroom ... hopefully, we won't have to.


I am praying for
A miracle.


One of my favorite things
           The autmn wind scooping up the fallen leaves sending them swirling through the air in small cyclones of color.

A few plans for the rest of the week

I'm really not sure what the upcoming week has in store. I will continue doing ... just doing.


I am pondering
Having those believers in the causes of sainthood to pray through the intercession of Servant of God, Elisabeth Leseur for complete healing for my daughter. Katie has given me her approval.


A picture thought



Katie's "Boys"


From the simple woman's daybook


(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Monday, October 4, 2010

Daybook

FOR TODAY

Outside my window

Cold rain. Fall has arrived and my hydrangeas look satiated, yet bear the marks of a long drought. Alas, soon they will succumb to the frost.

I am thinking

About what I have to accomplish this week ... taking Kate to the doctor, dog to the vet, general housekeeping ...

I am thankful for

Katie
 
 From the kitchen
Finding new and tasty gluten free recipes for Erin (and maybe Katie). Last night I made a scrumptious bacon  spinach risotto that Erin discovered online. Served it with a green salad and a pinot noir.
 
I am wearing
Black warm-up pants, my new Belmont Abbey sweatshirt and my beat up, old Eddie Bauer slippers.

I am creating
A blog piece about suffering and mothering. About LOVE. Mostly it's in my head/heart with a few thoughts scribbled down on a yellow note pad. 

On Pandora 
Listening to the Contemporary Christian station. Blessed be Your Name

I am going

To work at noon. By the way, I am so grateful for my kindhearted, caring co-workers. It is a joy to work with them!

I am reading
Still reading  Elizabeth Ann Seton - Selected Writings edited by Ellin Kelly and Annabelle Melville. And also, "With God's Help" a tiny, little devotional book compiled by the Daughters of Charity. It includes a collection of quotations from the correspondence and journals of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton. I'll be using it, initially, for a new prayer/discussion group I'm starting.
I am hoping
That grace upon grace comes from the events that have recently transpired.

I am hearing
Jesus in my heart singing a very sweet melody.

Around the house
I've fallen behind on my housework, but managed to scour the first floor bathroom this morning! Yay!

I am praying for

ALL the friends, family, and those known only to God, who have offered their prayers, sacrifices, words of encouragement and acts of kindness on behalf of Katie over the past week and continue to do so.

One of my favorite things
Isaac's glorious smile. It is impossible to be sad about anything when he's around. Always.

A few plans for the rest of the week

Helping Katie get to her doctors appointments and I will be launching the new prayer group tomorrow night. Holly needs to go to the vet for a shot and a nail clipping. A baby shower on Friday night for a wonderful young lady! And packing to leave town on Saturday - going to see my baby, Megan!! (And my mom and sisters & brothers, too!)

I am pondering

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9)

A picture thought


 
 
 
 
 
(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Monday, September 27, 2010

Daybook, the first

FOR TODAY

Outside my window

It is gray and a balmy 78 degrees. Most welcome rain showers fell intermittently all day long. But I'm afraid it's too late for my tired hydrangeas. Poor things, how I've neglected them. 

I am thinking

About my Jim and all the wonderment that's in store for us.

I am thankful for

My precious little Isaac Jogues Samuel.
 
 From the kitchen
 
Yesterday I made Chicken Paprika from the Joy of Cooking cookbook with spaetzle (from a box). I was deliberately heavy handed with the paprika. It was delicious! My Grandma Collins used to make it and then my mom made it for my dad and her kids. As a child it was one of my favorite dinners and still is. Shame on me for using boxed spaetzle! Mom always made them from scratch.
 
I am wearing
 
A very old pair of sweatpants, an equally aged t-shirt from Luray Caverns and my beat-up, well worn out (but really not quite so old) Eddie Bauer slippers.

I am creating
 
A little bit of not very good poetry ... again.

On my iPod

My iPod needs to be charged, but I listen to Pandora regularly. Right now, I'm listening to Deeper Well by The Wailin Jennys. Sure, the vocals are great, but the fiddling is Awesome!!

I am going

Nowhere tonight. Jim is working late again, but I do enjoy the quiet, alone time.

I am reading
 
I just started Elizabeth Ann Seton - Selected Writings edited by Ellin Kelly and Annabelle Melville. The depth of EAS's maternal love strikes such a chord with me. Passages in this book bring me to tears. I love, love Mother Seton.
 
I am hoping
 
My dear Katie is feeling better very soon!

I am hearing
 
My house phone ringing. It's a toll free number according to Caller ID. I don't answer those calls. In fact, if I don't recognize the phone number or name, I usually don't answer the phone. I'm just kind of shy that way.

Around the house
 
I've placed some fall decorations around the fireplace and mantel. Makes me excited for a blustery, autumn chill and a stroll through the crisp, fallen leaves.

I am praying for

A very special favor from the dear Little Flower whose feast day is Friday!

One of my favorite things
 
Isaac's glorious smile. It is impossible to be sad about anything when he's around.

A few plans for the rest of the week

Besides the usual routine, um, well, I almost hate to say it ... I may start a new exercise routine. (Sadly, I cannot get excited about exercising, but I've noticed that the older I get the harder it is to hide the "pudge." Sigh. I've got to do something.)

A picture thought

Auntie Erin and Isaac Jogues ♥


 



(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ode to a Stink Bug


O thou Marmorated Brown who dost seek
shelter from the coming winter’s freeze,
Who alights upon my curtain drawn and dost reek
when trampled on. Away damned vermin, I bid thee please.
Thou art not permitted here! Not now nor then nor next week!
Away, thou armored pest, away from crevice and crack in door.
Here I spy thee, I spy thee there, I spy thee in my kitchen sink.
O noxious bug hailed from the east, in every home thou cause a stink.
Come, O welcomed winter chill assail this bane I so abhor.





(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Isaac at 4 months

Katie gave me permission to copy and paste one of her recent blog posts. Here it is - Katie's update on her dear, sweet boy:
 
 
Our little Isaac Jogues just had his four month check-up.  In summary, he's healthy, very happy, and relatively HUGE.  He weighs 16 pounds and is 25 inches long, putting him in the 50th percentile for height and 50th-75th percentile for weight.  While this may not seem big to those of you who had large babies, Isaac is a giant compared to other babies who arrived a month early or were a similar size at birth. 

I made a list of Isaac's current stats, habits, and accomplishments mostly for my sake, but I'm posting it here, partially because I'm not sure where else to put it!  At four months, Isaac . . .

-Sleeps about 12 hours at night with one quick feeding around 4 AM.  He usually falls asleep between 8 PM and 9 PM.  Sometimes he falls asleep nursing, but he can be walked to sleep by Mama or Daddy.

-Eats like a newborn!  Isaac still nurses every two hours during the day.  No wonder he's so big! 

-Takes 3 or 4 little naps throughout the day.  I think he may be growing out of the catnap trend and starting to take longer naps. 

-Rolls from back to side and almost from tummy to side.  On his tummy, he can hold himself up on his elbows and push up with his legs.  He holds his head up steadily when held in a seated or standing position.  He can stand for a few seconds if we hold his hands. 

-Looks at and tracks dangling toys, lights, faces, his own hands, etc.  He can grab objects like spoons and tries to put them in his mouth, with some success.  He's in the gazing stage now.  I love to look at him when he's nursing and see his big, blue eyes staring intently into my own. 

-Smiles all the time, but especially in the morning.  He recently started laughing and squealing, much to our delight.  He "talks" to us, and his noises and cries have become quite varied.  He can blow raspberries, but if we blow them back, he cries!

-Sucks on one or two fingers.  He loves to play with his hands.

-Lays his head on our shoulders.  This doesn't seem like a big deal, but Isaac never liked this position.  When he was very small, he wanted to be held in such a way that allowed him to see something (e.g., cradled so he could look up at our faces).  Once Isaac could hold his head up, he didn't mind being held upright, but he always looked around and never rested his head.  If he was tired, he seemed (again) to prefer a cradle position.  Now, however, Isaac has begun to lay his little head on our shoulders when we hold him.  It is so sweet!  I love this. 

Our little boy amazes us.  Every week brings a new milestone.  Last night I held Isaac asleep on my chest, and I couldn't believe how long he was.  Looking at him now, it's hard to believe that a few months ago he was a tiny newborn.  Sam and I try to soak in every stage, knowing (as everyone reminds us) that this will pass all too quickly.  
 
 
(c) 2010 Kathryn Phillips

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Accompanying Him were the Twelve and some women

In the history of the Church, even from earliest times, there were side-by-side with men a number of women, for whom the response of the Bride to the Bridegroom's redemptive love acquired full expressive force. First we see those women who had personally encountered Christ and followed him. After his departure, together with the Apostles, they "devoted themselves to prayer" in the Upper Room in Jerusalem until the day of Pentecost. On that day the Holy Spirit spoke through "the sons and daughters" of the People of God (cf. Acts 2: 17; Jl 3,1)... These women, and others afterwards, played an active and important role in the life of the early Church, in building up from its foundations the first Christian community - and subsequent communities - through their own charisms and their varied service... Saint Paul speaks of their "hard work" for Christ, and this hard work indicates the various fields of the Church's apostolic service, beginning with the "domestic Church". For in the latter, "sincere faith" passes from the mother to her children and grandchildren, as was the case in the house of Timothy (cf. 2 Tim 1:5).

The same thing is repeated down the centuries, from one generation to the next, as the history of the Church demonstrates. By defending the dignity of women and their vocation, the Church has shown honour and gratitude for those women who - faithful to the Gospel - have shared in every age in the apostolic mission of the whole People of God. They are the holy martyrs, virgins, and mothers of families, who bravely bore witness to their faith and passed on the Church's faith and tradition by bringing up their children in the spirit of the Gospel. In every age and in every country we find many "perfect" women (cf. Prov. 31:10) who, despite persecution, difficulties and discrimination, have shared in the Church's mission... Even in the face of serious social discrimination, holy women have acted "freely", strengthened by their union with Christ...

In our own days too the Church is constantly enriched by the witness of the many women who fulfil their vocation to holiness. Holy women are an incarnation of the feminine ideal; they are also a model for all Christians, a model of the "sequela Christi", an example of how the Bride must respond with love to the love of the Bridegroom.
John-Paul II, Pope from 1978 to 2005
Mulieris Dignitatem, § 27

Friday, September 17, 2010

She's just like me

She asked if I missed having little ones.

Sometimes, I said, I see a mom wheeling a babe in a stroller; one tugging on her skirt; her belly round.

For a split second I think, hey, look, she’s just like me.

But then I remember and breathe … well, once.

My senescent hands, spotted and worn, grasp the recollections racing before me and tuck them away again.  Safe and sound.

And in gratitude, I smile.

(c) 2010 Darby Fitzpatrick

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Unforgettable

It was a beautiful September morning. I was at my computer preparing a lesson for 9 year old Megan whom I was homeschooling. She had just started 4th grade. Kevin and Erin were in 7th and 8th grade at Seton School in Manassas and Katie had just begun her second year of high school at home. The telephone rang. It was my mom.
"Do you have your television on?" I could detect panic in her voice.
"No, why?"
"A plane just hit one of the twin towers in New York!"
By now I was rushing over to turn on my TV. I could not believe what I was seeing. It chilled me to the bone. I watched in horror as a second plane crashed into the other tower. I needed to call Jim.

"Honey? Have you heard? It's so awful!" I cried.
I was filling him in on the national news reports, when NBC News correspondent, Mik Miklaszewski reporting from inside the Pentagon suddenly announced that there had been something akin to an explosion there! He soon confirmed that a plane had in fact crashed into the Pentagon.

"Oh, my God (a sincere prayer) - a plane has crashed into the Pentagon! What is happening??" This is war, I thought, we are under attack!
"I don't know, but I have to go." Jim hung up and was off to gather information from his fellow defense contractor colleagues. Emergency briefings were called.
And then a fourth plane - down in Pennsylvania! The world had suddenly, jarringly changed and I was afraid not only for myself, but for my children. And my heart was breaking for all the lives lost and it does still.

My memories of the moments and days that followed appear to me now like snapshots in a picture album. Snapshots that I will never forget.

I remember ...
Hoping Erin and Kevin were okay and wishing they were home with me.
Praying that morning with Katie and Megan and trying desperately to comfort them, somehow. But how?
Seeing and hearing the F-16 and F-15 fighter jets flying overhead all day long.
Seeing tanks and armed military personnel guarding the National Mapping and Imaging building near my home. This is war; we were attacked.
Thinking about my dad, a WWII vet, and wondering, had he still been alive, what he would have thought of these attacks. War always makes me think of my dad because he was so wounded by it and could never speak of it. His memories of it were stored away in a dark, lonely place only he could reach, but once in awhile he allowed a small hint of what lied hidden there to sneak out and you knew it was not good.
Holding Megan every time a plane flew over our house or over the fields where my kids played soccer. Living close to Dulles airport means this happened often. She was afraid for months and asked me again and again if the plane overhead was going to crash.
Seeing flags - American flags - flying everywhere. On homes, in yards, on cars, on trucks, on bridges and overpasses and "God Bless America" banners, too.
People praying. Churches were full as Americans turned to God for comfort, for peace, for answers.
Sadly, in time, people stopped going to God. The churches are no longer crowded. As the American flags faded from our landscape; our pews grew lonely, too. Where are they now? I'm sure they haven't forgotten. Have they?

What will it take to start the flags waving again? What will it take to keep people on their knees?

I'm afraid to find out.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Morning in Old Reston

It took me 7 minutes to get from my house to Katie's apartment this morning. I was stopped by only one traffic light. How blessed we are to live so close by as it affords us the opportunity to visit often and Jim and I are absolutely delighted to be regular fixtures in Isaac's life. 

Here are some photos of my morning with Isaac and Katie in 'old' Reston. It's been a long time since I moseyed around Lake Anne Plaza. I used to take the kids over there to play when they were little. On certain mornings during the summer we would venture over there with friends to listen to the family entertainment - usually a clown, musicians or their favorite, a comedic magician whose name has escaped me. The buildings looked really dated then, and they appear even more so today. So much concrete ... geez, Robert Simon, what were you thinking?? Just not my taste in architecture, I suppose. Still there is enough beauty around, and the pond, er lake, is kind of peaceful. At any rate, we had a splendid morning and Katie cooked a very scrumptious brunch after we returned to her apartment.

Good morning, Isaac Jogues!


Beautiful Peppers for Sale!

And Flowers, too!

Lake Anne Plaza. The white umbrellas and blue table cloths in the background mark the restaurant where Kevin works, Kalypso's.



Another view.




A sign to let you know there's an Art Studio here - otherwise, you would have no idea. 


Isaac enjoying his late morning stroll and nap.


Katie and I like the house on the right. The flowers on the deck were beautiful, although you can't really tell from this photo.

A view of one of the canals along the path. Swans used to populate the lake, but we didn't see any today.


Back at the apartment, Isaac is mesmerized by a hanging ball while his mommy prepares brunch.


Brunch is served! So yummy!


Isaac and Nana had a wonderful day!

(c) 2010 Darby C. Fitzpatrick