Sunday, July 31, 2011

Journey to Beauty - Part Two: The Battle

Here is the second installment of Megan's journey toward beauty ...

Freshman orientation at Belmont Abbey College, August 2010
 
I graduated from high school, happy to be away from that battleground, and I went off to college. I thought I was pretty confident going to college although I was certainly nervous, just like everyone else I’m sure! I remember hearing that a lot of people develop eating disorders in college and I was secretly excited about the possibility because for me, it meant that I could finally be skinnier again. However, the tides changed when through the example of my amazing friend Bridget, I began attending Mass daily. My freshman year turned out to be the best year of my life. My entire spiritual life turned around and the Lord literally rescued me from drowning in the rip tide of self-hatred. Eventually, I came to realize how insecure I was and how sinful it was to hate myself because the Lord created me as a temple for the Holy Spirit.

Like Bridget, all my friends helped me become closer to the Lord in different ways. They were examples of humility, zeal, selflessness, charity, and the list goes on. Although I had a keen knowledge of the teachings of the Church from my parents and high school, I wasn’t overflowing with love for the Lord and I certainly wasn’t humble.

I came to a crossroad around mid-year as I was experiencing some drama with friends from home, from school, and a boy. I was faced with asking myself how I feel about things and why I feel the way I do. I also became aware of the fact that I had become a victim of anorexia. It was a lot for me to handle. Praise God I had grown so much closer to Him that I was beginning to bring nearly everything to Him in prayer. Of course I brought this to Him. I seemed so lost and everyone was going through a lot at that time of year. I asked the Lord, “Lord I am so lost, if you want me to talk to someone about this please reveal them to me, otherwise I just want to keep this between you and me.” Well God is great and He brought me an incredible friend, Daniel. Daniel not only helped me through my first boy drama with another one of our friends, but he also helped me heal from my obsession with my weight. It was very difficult for me to be serious and vulnerable and to share with a GUY my struggles with weight and self image, but I knew the Lord had blessed me with this friend. I needed to share it all and be honest. I remember Daniel asked me, “When was the last time you tried to be bulimic?” Sadly, it was at the beginning of the school year. He then asked, “Why weren’t you successful?” I answered, “Because it was too difficult to keep it a secret living in a suite.” Then it clicked. It was a secret. I was hiding myself. We spent a long night discussing how I still thought about the number of calories contained in this or that food and how I really needed to eat a balanced diet. We talked about how I was so confused because although I really wanted to lose “my freshmen ten”, I wasn’t sure if dieting was wise. Throughout the remainder of the second semester Daniel and my other friend Zack were always there for me, encouraging me to be confident in myself. (I learned to open up to more people as well.) Through their wisdom, I learned that not taking compliments was false humility and that we should be proud of ourselves, not vain and not conceited. The best advice they gave me was to not compare myself to others. That was something I had to practice and remind myself daily. Daniel had also encouraged me to pray the Rosary every day and to turn to Our Lady. Because I had been receiving advice from others to turn to Mary and I had recently decided to have a stronger devotion to her, Daniel’s advice only cemented my conviction to begin taking it more seriously. Daniel also advised me to give up makeup for lent. “WHAT!?” but I did it. The pieces were starting to come together.

All had been well and I had decided I would diet “just to get rid of the freshmen ten” I had put on. Let’s face it; I was still obsessed and too proud to admit it. One day at brunch I had been talking about the food I was eating and how it was Sunday and I could “cheat.” I was talking to the same guys who were aware I was “dieting” and one of them, having no idea I was self conscious about my weight, made a comment about how I shouldn’t be a quitter and I should stick to the things I commit to, referencing my diet. I was furious. I was prideful. I was so angry someone just called me out on something that made me feel vulnerable, guilty and like I wasn’t perfect. We talked about it later and I shared a little bit of my story with him and he tried to convince me that I didn’t need to diet, (the same guy who told me one day a man will desire me and love me and treat me like a princess and I will be the center of his world.) Due to years of insecurity, I thought this kid was a class A liar. I didn’t believe anything nice that people said to me because I thought I had to be perfect in order to be “good enough.” I thought I had to be the very best, the very skinniest, the most beautiful in order to deserve anything. It was all pride. I thought a lot about that little occurrence at brunch one Saturday morning. I needed to let go from all that was keeping me attached to the things of my past that were evidently keeping me from the Lord.

Lent arrived and I decided to give up makeup and I also stopped dieting, The Lord poured out graces upon me that Lent. I was afraid beyond any fear I ever had to give up makeup for Lent. But the Lord gave me strength. I started my days by saying good morning to the Lord in the chapel next to my dorm and went on my way, makeup-less. For six weeks I continued to learn to love myself and I learned I had talents, even if I wasn’t the best or better than other people in those talents, and that people loved me for me. I learned that I don’t have to be perfect in order to be good at something. I learned that the people with whom I was most comfortable were the closest of my friends. When I put up walls it only added stress in my life and on my friendships. I auditioned for and landed a part in a school musical; putting myself in a group of older people I did not know, meanwhile not wearing makeup. I also sang in coffee houses in front of people I knew and didn’t know. I accepted the challenges the Lord presented me, because I had to trust Him. He loved me and wanted me to be stronger. He wanted to reveal to me the beauty that I was so blind to. Lent was amazing. I wasn’t healed entirely, but I was on the right track and the Lord was right there and I was right there with Him.

Summer was approaching; the dreaded swimsuit season. Insecurities were creeping up. Get behind me Satan! But this time I had the tools. I knew that I couldn’t compare myself to others; that I was my own person and I was healthy and beautiful and talented. I was created uniquely by God and He gave me gifts, because He has a plan for me. His plan for me is for me and no one else. I knew I wasn’t perfect in the eyes of the world and never would be. I also began listening to a lot of Christian songs about beauty, thanks to my mom, Caroline, Daniel and Zack who all recommended songs. By this time my spiritual life had sky rocketed…it actually amazes me how much the Lord rescued me in such a short amount of time. 

Click here to read Part Three: The Victory

Friday, July 29, 2011

Journey to Beauty - Part One: The Struggle

My 19 year old daughter, Megan, has prepared a testimony for a FOCUS event that she will present to other young women at Belmont Abbey College this Fall. It recounts her very personal struggle with weight gain and dieting, her poor self-image and how the Lord is giving her the grace to regard herself as the beautiful young woman He has created her to be. Her testimony is written in four parts. Part one is posted below following a brief introduction. The remaining parts of her journey will be posted over the next three days or so. Please welcome this beautiful soul to Beyond Pearls and keep her, and all young women, in your prayers.

My Beautiful Girl


I decided to prepare and soon present my testimony for a couple of reasons. First off, too many girls are heart broken over the way they look. These days, nobody believes they're truly beautiful. Even if they feel confident by their appearance, women are often afraid to admit it, thinking the world will not agree. Well, I want that to change. It has to change. I want to reveal the truth the Lord has been dying for us to hear. Secondly, I began discerning my major this past spring and decided to pursue English. I've reflected on my spiritual and psychological journey throughout the year and decided people need to know this stuff. People need to be set free by Truth. I want to use my degree in English to write and talk about true feminine beauty. Thanks be to God for FOCUS, the campus ministry for Belmont Abbey College, where I am currently a student. I have been invited to assist a FOCUS missionary in organizing a night dedicated to this cause. On that night, I will give my testimony hoping to touch the hearts of other young women. Guest writing on my wonderful mother's blog is just the first step in that direction...Lead me Lord! (Thank you mom, for this opportunity!)



This is my story of how I found out I was beautiful. It doesn’t involve cameras, makeup (actually, it involves taking away makeup), and hair products, other people convincing me, or winning a contest. It involves the Lord and me. It involves winning a battle against the world, “allowing Christ to take victory in my soul” (Deacon Ochenkowski assigned to St. Veronica Parish, quoting a priest from Saint Vincent seminary during a recent homily). 

All of my life I was bigger than the other kids. I came into this world weighing a hefty 9lbs and 4oz. However, it wasn’t until second grade that I actually became overweight. At that time I didn’t care about being bigger than other kids. It wasn’t until I hit about fifth or sixth grade when I realized being 120lbs, when everyone else my age was 85lbs, wasn’t such a good thing or a healthy thing.

By the time I was ten years old, I started dieting; however, I never really persevered through any of them, because I didn’t really care as much about my weight problems then as I would later. It really started to hit home, when in middle school I realized I was indeed a victim of “child obesity,” weighing 180lbs, while still under five feet tall. I began to compare myself to others. I was convinced that no one liked me because I was not skinny enough, pretty enough, talented enough or even good enough. I sought friendships with those who made me feel “good enough.” With a heart quickly hardening, I fashioned a wall of pride that I called strength and I wouldn’t allow anyone to enter. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my Lord was waiting patiently for me to turn to Him as I focused excessively on myself.

Throughout puberty I did lose some weight, but by the end of tenth grade, after I had written a term paper on female teen nutrition, I was clearly obsessed with my weight. I developed an unhealthy obsession with exercise and counting calories. All that I could think about was how people viewed me and how much I wished I was beautiful and desirable. I was happy with my weight loss, but I felt that I had to continue on my trek as I was never perfectly satisfied with how much weight I’d lose. I was never “perfect.” I became impatient shortly after beginning a diet and cut out even more calories than recommended. Straying from the nutritional advice to consume at least 2000 calories per day, I cut that total into halves, then fourths. Some days I only consumed 300-500 calories. I was rapidly approaching anorexia and was absolutely and completely blind to it. I remember my dad saying I should stop dieting and my sister warning me about anorexia and how no one plans on becoming anorexic, it just happens. I had also studied all the different types of eating disorders in great detail for my research paper, yet here I was eating an average of 900 calories per day resulting in a loss of 37lbs in less than a year. It wasn’t good enough. I desired to lose more and more weight because of my damaged self-image. I lacked true joy. At that time my biggest fear and sole concern in life was gaining back all the weight I had lost. I never want to be “there” again. I was so obsessed with my weight issues that I didn’t care about anyone else. Sadly, my skinny body only caused me more anxiety, more than I had experienced before. It also brought me bitterness and pride, which only drew people away. I had also decided to hate certain food. I deliberately chose not to enjoy something good. I deliberately chose against joy, a gift from the Lord. Not only did I not choose to enjoy food, but also I chose not to enjoy life. I decided I had to be very hard on myself and to hate myself in order to be motivated to be…loved? I was so utterly lost. I hated life. I hated food that gave me life and I hated myself. Sin had a firm grip on me and I needed the Lord to set me free.

I often gazed at myself in the mirror, telling myself I wasn’t good enough. I was fat and ugly. I would say things like, “Look at your stomach! It is so ugly!” When my so-called “motivation” failed me I decided my last chance was bulimia. I knew everything about why bulimia didn’t work and why it is so unhealthy for you. But somehow I was stuck on “but if it made those girls skinny, then it must work somehow!” And “I just need to lose ten more pounds; it’ll be a quick fix to get back on track, so I won’t gain the weight right back!” Lies. All Lies. Bulimia doesn’t cause you to lose weight, if anything its just water weight that you lose. It rips up your esophagus and can cause extremely serious problems. Some girls have to be put on feeding tubes for the rest of their lives because of the damage to their bodies. Praise be to God, because of my knowledge of the disorder and failed results, I stopped that horrible practice after only one week. However, I continued to diet and wish that I was someone else. I constantly weighed myself, measured myself and died to squeeze into smaller clothing sizes. I started to dye my hair, too, because I wanted so much to look like the women I saw in magazines and elsewhere. I had not figured out that I’d never be the most beautiful I could be if I wasn’t just myself. I also started wearing excessive amounts of makeup to hide bad acne and I started tanning. Everything I did was to be someone I wasn’t. I remember thinking to myself, “Who am I? What do you even like anymore?” Because I had tried so hard to be like everyone else, I didn’t even know who I was.

Throughout my entire dieting experience I had convinced myself and others that I was dieting “the healthy way.” I refused to see the truth. I accepted the lies and wholeheartedly believed them. I was not at peace, ever. My obsession with weight loss flooded my mind and I couldn’t ever escape it. I was blind to the blessings in my life and blatantly refused the gifts the Lord had given me. I was telling God that His gifts weren’t good enough in this world. I told Him I wasn’t good enough and I was trying to transform His beautiful creation into something He never meant for it to be. Sure, I was devoutly Catholic, was raised in a very Catholic home; and I was sent to one of the most Catholic middle and high schools in the area. I had a prayer life and I knew the teachings of the Church. But when praying about my dieting, my prayers were rooted in selfishness. I strayed from the Lord, because like all of us, I live in a fallen world and society fed me lies that were poisonous to my soul. I was caught in the tide of untruth and was swept away by it. When I realized I was indeed drowning, I couldn’t figure out how to save myself and I was too proud to take lessons from anyone.

Around the time of my junior year of high school, I actually stopped dieting because everyone told me I was “so skinny!” The praise I received was enough for me to lose my motivation to continue losing weight. Yet, I still held on to so much pride and bitterness. Due to my anorexic tendency when I slowly started eating normal again and gained a little bit of the weight back, I became very upset. I still wanted to be someone else; someone I thought was pretty and would be accepted. I wanted to be “perfect” and no one could convince me that I was. 
 
Click here to read  Part Two: The Battle

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Daybook for a mid-summer Heat Wave?

Outside my window ...
The air is heavy with the whirring and rattling of cicada song, their melodies ebbing and flowing through the morning heat. The thick wall of humidity that had been a mainstay late last week has dissipated allowing one to breathe deep at last. Once again the cloudless sky is a deep, satisfying blue.  The temperatures last week had hovered anywhere from 99 to 105 with heat indices from 110 to 124. With temperatures in the low 90's predicted for today and tomorrow with very low humidity, we are now refreshingly experiencing somewhat of a 'cool wave.'
I am wearing ...
A black cotton jersey sleeveless sundress.
On Pandora ...
George Shearing radio. Now playing: My Old Flame by Paul Bley. This station, introduced to me by Katie, reminds me of my brother Paul. He is somewhat of a jazz affectionado. It also stirs up a desire to share a candlelit dinner with my husband. A little wine, a little dancing. Hmm ...
Around, ahem, outside the house ...
My Jim is building a new - bigger and better - deck. The heat wave has not deterred him. He dug and hammered and pounded and poured concrete in defiance of the suffocating, hellish air. Like a marathon runner, he paced himself accordingly finding a rhythm - and several quarts of water - that allowed him to persevere slowly and steadily. He also rested periodically and somehow managed - with no apparent arm twisting - to elicit the help of our son and five of  his friends when it came time to pour the concrete for the footings. A mark of true friendship and fidelity, I'd say! No one, outside of myself, will welcome the new deck more than our little canine friend, Holly. She paws the back door each morning pleading to be let out to bask in the early sun and sniff the beginning of a new day. Each time, I pull the curtain aside to show her the emptiness that was once our old deck. "Not yet, Holly, not yet. But soon, we hope."
From the kitchen and in the garden ...
Our summer harvest! Fresh cucumber, squash, tomatoes, green beans, lettuce, and snap peas. Meals taste so much better in summer! The 'pickle man' has already put up a few quarts of bread and butters and is preparing to jar some dills real soon.
I am hearing ...
Happy meowing for - what else? More food!
I am reading ... and loving ...
Wendell Berry's A Place on Earth
I am hoping and praying ...
For healing and miracles for many who are very dear to me and for some whom I hardly know and for those in between and for some I have never met.
I am pondering ...
Distributism. When I was a young adult my political, economic views - however unsophisticated and naive - were very much left leaning. I was very much a free spirit, anti-war, tree-hugger type. After I married, my conservative Republican husband began changing my mind little by little. As I matured and particularly as I grew in my faith and knowledge of the basic tenets of the Church,  certain issues became paramount - i.e., the right to life and the dignity of all persons. I became disenchanted with radical environmentalism and realized that the relativistic, hedonistic life that had peppered my college years had left me empty and wounded. I did, as they say, a complete 180 and as a young wife and mother, decided to label myself a conservative Republican. And it suited me just fine until, truthfully (and I'm speaking very personally here) I found I really wasn't comfortable with some of George W. Bush's foreign and economic policies - particularly in his second term. So, not too long ago, I decided that perhaps I am really a conservative independent, but I still found no real "voice" out there. And then, I stumbled upon an article about distributism. I read more and more about it, devouring article after article, encyclicals (Rerum Novarum) and books, Joseph Pearce's Small is Still Beautiful: Economics as if Families Mattered. I have finally found my niche. Protecting our natural resources is critical. Big business and big government are joined at the hip. Neither is good for our economy. Workers have rights and people have dignity. And as always, human life is God's most precious creation and must be protected at all stages. Yeah, okay, so I do feel like a late bloomer. It's been right there under my nose this whole time and I've only now discovered it.
Hmm, seems like a lot of pondering, wouldn't you say? Too much for a simple Daybook post and clearly I've only barely scratched the surface. If you're interested in learning more about distributism click on the links embedded above or search for it on the web.
I am grateful ...
For my family and how God has showered us with grace.
A few plans ...
Looking forward to a 'get-away' day trip or two in a few weeks with Jim and possibly the wee hound.
A picture thought ...





Friday, July 15, 2011

You are never too old to learn a few things

For over two weeks I've been hobbling around with a left knee the size of a grapefruit. Until now, I haven't been able to sit at the computer desk long enough to write about it here. Too uncomfortable. But after my doctor's appointment earlier this week, the knee, although still a bit stiff, feels much better and is significantly less fluid-filled. Turns out I have pseudogout. It's not true gout - hence it's name. It is a type of arthritis caused by a build up of calcium pyrophosphate that creates crystals which adhere to the cartilage in a joint - typically the knee. The symptoms are very similar to gout - swelling and pain in the joint. I've read that pseudogout normally affects people age 60 or over and becomes more common as one ages. In August I'll be 51. My hair started turning gray in my 30's, leaving my locks completely silver by age 40, when I was also beginning the early stages of menopause. By age 45 lab results declared I was post-menopausal. So, I suppose acquiring a condition at 50 that normally strikes folks at 60 is just par for the course. I'm not going to dwell on it. Instead, I'd like to point out 10 'lessons' I've learned during this travail - or at least list some observations.

  1. No one takes care of you like your mother did. Makes me appreciate Mom all the more and miss her very generous outpouring of  TLC.
  2. With a knee injury or condition, when dressing oneself it is much easier putting on a dress or a skirt.
  3. Shorts or pants are much more practical when one finds the need to raise and prop the knee in somewhat unladylike positions.
  4. I have a new appreciation for the handicap stalls in public restrooms.
  5. I have a new found empathy for others who have trouble walking.
  6. Extreme pain and discomfort tempts me to be very cranky.
  7. It is okay to ask for help.
  8. Patience is indeed a virtue and it is only by the grace of God that I've been able to practice it these past two plus weeks.
  9. Joy is not a feeling. Experiencing joy is not the same as saying, "I am happy!"  It is a presence residing in the depths of one's soul. Joy presupposes humility. Humility is necessary for us to aspire above the burden of self pity and to turn our gaze toward Him, whereby we recognize our likeness to the One who suffered for our sakes and there we discover joy. A joy that is then magnified in uniting our own suffering to His.
  10. Only by His grace do I recognize the supernatural benefit that comes from suffering and I am eternally grateful for His allowing me this opportunity to offer my little affliction back to Him to do with it what He wills - perhaps for the benefit of my soul, but more happily for the salvation of others.
I'm sure I could expound on any one of the above items - write entire posts about them (and even more that I didn't list). Another time, perhaps, for now it's time to prop up the 'ol' knee' and get some much desired rest.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

How the Sea Can Help You Pray

"I think there must be something God put into the sea to remind us of himself – an image of infinity and depth and power and mystery and dynamic activity all at once. " Peter Kreeft

He took the words right out of my mouth and crafted them much better than I ever could. Enjoy this magnificent piece by Peter Kreeft ... How the Sea Can Help You Pray