Journey to Beauty - Part Two: The Battle

Here is the second installment of Megan's journey toward beauty ...

Freshman orientation at Belmont Abbey College, August 2010

 

I graduated from high school, happy to be away from that battleground, and I went off to college. I thought I was pretty confident going to college although I was certainly nervous, just like everyone else I’m sure! I remember hearing that a lot of people develop eating disorders in college and I was secretly excited about the possibility because for me, it meant that I could finally be skinnier again. However, the tides changed when through the example of my amazing friend Bridget, I began attending Mass daily. My freshman year turned out to be the best year of my life. My entire spiritual life turned around and the Lord literally rescued me from drowning in the rip tide of self-hatred. Eventually, I came to realize how insecure I was and how sinful it was to hate myself because the Lord created me as a temple for the Holy Spirit.

Like Bridget, all my friends helped me become closer to the Lord in different ways. They were examples of humility, zeal, selflessness, charity, and the list goes on. Although I had a keen knowledge of the teachings of the Church from my parents and high school, I wasn’t overflowing with love for the Lord and I certainly wasn’t humble.

I came to a crossroad around mid-year as I was experiencing some drama with friends from home, from school, and a boy. I was faced with asking myself how I feel about things and why I feel the way I do. I also became aware of the fact that I had become a victim of anorexia. It was a lot for me to handle. Praise God I had grown so much closer to Him that I was beginning to bring nearly everything to Him in prayer. Of course I brought this to Him. I seemed so lost and everyone was going through a lot at that time of year. I asked the Lord, “Lord I am so lost, if you want me to talk to someone about this please reveal them to me, otherwise I just want to keep this between you and me.” Well God is great and He brought me an incredible friend, Daniel. Daniel not only helped me through my first boy drama with another one of our friends, but he also helped me heal from my obsession with my weight. It was very difficult for me to be serious and vulnerable and to share with a GUY my struggles with weight and self image, but I knew the Lord had blessed me with this friend. I needed to share it all and be honest. I remember Daniel asked me, “When was the last time you tried to be bulimic?” Sadly, it was at the beginning of the school year. He then asked, “Why weren’t you successful?” I answered, “Because it was too difficult to keep it a secret living in a suite.” Then it clicked. It was a secret. I was hiding myself. We spent a long night discussing how I still thought about the number of calories contained in this or that food and how I really needed to eat a balanced diet. We talked about how I was so confused because although I really wanted to lose “my freshmen ten”, I wasn’t sure if dieting was wise. Throughout the remainder of the second semester Daniel and my other friend Zack were always there for me, encouraging me to be confident in myself. (I learned to open up to more people as well.) Through their wisdom, I learned that not taking compliments was false humility and that we should be proud of ourselves, not vain and not conceited. The best advice they gave me was to not compare myself to others. That was something I had to practice and remind myself daily. Daniel had also encouraged me to pray the Rosary every day and to turn to Our Lady. Because I had been receiving advice from others to turn to Mary and I had recently decided to have a stronger devotion to her, Daniel’s advice only cemented my conviction to begin taking it more seriously. Daniel also advised me to give up makeup for lent. “WHAT!?” but I did it. The pieces were starting to come together.

All had been well and I had decided I would diet “just to get rid of the freshmen ten” I had put on. Let’s face it; I was still obsessed and too proud to admit it. One day at brunch I had been talking about the food I was eating and how it was Sunday and I could “cheat.” I was talking to the same guys who were aware I was “dieting” and one of them, having no idea I was self conscious about my weight, made a comment about how I shouldn’t be a quitter and I should stick to the things I commit to, referencing my diet. I was furious. I was prideful. I was so angry someone just called me out on something that made me feel vulnerable, guilty and like I wasn’t perfect. We talked about it later and I shared a little bit of my story with him and he tried to convince me that I didn’t need to diet, (the same guy who told me one day a man will desire me and love me and treat me like a princess and I will be the center of his world.) Due to years of insecurity, I thought this kid was a class A liar. I didn’t believe anything nice that people said to me because I thought I had to be perfect in order to be “good enough.” I thought I had to be the very best, the very skinniest, the most beautiful in order to deserve anything. It was all pride. I thought a lot about that little occurrence at brunch one Saturday morning. I needed to let go from all that was keeping me attached to the things of my past that were evidently keeping me from the Lord.

Lent arrived and I decided to give up makeup and I also stopped dieting, The Lord poured out graces upon me that Lent. I was afraid beyond any fear I ever had to give up makeup for Lent. But the Lord gave me strength. I started my days by saying good morning to the Lord in the chapel next to my dorm and went on my way, makeup-less. For six weeks I continued to learn to love myself and I learned I had talents, even if I wasn’t the best or better than other people in those talents, and that people loved me for me. I learned that I don’t have to be perfect in order to be good at something. I learned that the people with whom I was most comfortable were the closest of my friends. When I put up walls it only added stress in my life and on my friendships. I auditioned for and landed a part in a school musical; putting myself in a group of older people I did not know, meanwhile not wearing makeup. I also sang in coffee houses in front of people I knew and didn’t know. I accepted the challenges the Lord presented me, because I had to trust Him. He loved me and wanted me to be stronger. He wanted to reveal to me the beauty that I was so blind to. Lent was amazing. I wasn’t healed entirely, but I was on the right track and the Lord was right there and I was right there with Him.

Summer was approaching; the dreaded swimsuit season. Insecurities were creeping up. Get behind me Satan! But this time I had the tools. I knew that I couldn’t compare myself to others; that I was my own person and I was healthy and beautiful and talented. I was created uniquely by God and He gave me gifts, because He has a plan for me. His plan for me is for me and no one else. I knew I wasn’t perfect in the eyes of the world and never would be. I also began listening to a lot of Christian songs about beauty, thanks to my mom, Caroline, Daniel and Zack who all recommended songs. By this time my spiritual life had sky rocketed…it actually amazes me how much the Lord rescued me in such a short amount of time. 

Click here to read Part Three: The Victory