No Worse for the Wear

Jim and I are in our early-to-late fifties. (I'm early, he's late.) We are in that wonderfully peculiar place of parenting adult children. I've often expressed the anguish of bidding them farewell as they grow up and move out.  But our kids continue to come and go, rendering our nest anything but empty.

Yet life is different. Very different. Two of our adult children are continuing their education locally and although they would love to be out on their own, economically, it behooves them to live at home. (One is subletting an apartment for the summer, but will return home in August, until the next phase of her life works itself out.) Our youngest returns home from college for summer breaks and at other times throughout the year. They are expected to help out with a few chores, and respect the rules of the house, but basically they come and go as they please. They generally don't need permission to stay out late with friends, but they do need it to borrow the car. They don't need to be home for dinner. They don't need a whole lot other than a roof overhead and food in the refrigerator. Unless I'm feeling especially kind, I no longer do their laundry, but I do grant them use of the washer and dryer and the laundry detergent. I've mothered them from diaper-hood to adulthood and everything in between. At times they have made me want to pull every hair out of my silly little head, but they have always been and continue to be my joy. 

They've grown into very likeable adults. I love our conversations over freshly brewed coffee or sipping a full bodied cab sav in the evening. I enjoy our shopping sprees and cooking ventures. They - especially my daughters - have become my dear friends.

I realize they won't be hanging around forever. After all the bitter-sweet milestones marking each of their journeys - kindergarten through college graduations, learning to drive, trips over-seas, a variety of employment opportunities, and marriage and motherhood for one - I am slowly realizing that a part of me is actually looking forward to their full independence, to their living on their own, working and raising families - or heading off to wherever God may be calling them. So, I guess you can say that nearing the empty nest is not quite as bad as I had previously expected. (And gosh, who knew how much fun grand-parenting could be? Being a Nana is positively the bees knees!) However, none of the kids is allowed to move more than a few hours away. My heart and soul would miss them too much! Seriously though, it could certainly happen. I now know that there comes a time in a mother's life when it is right - good - for her children to venture out on their own. It is good for them and for her, too.

I recall the early days of marriage, when I telephoned my mother to whine and wonder how my dear husband could be so plain unthoughtful, insensitive - so, well, selfish. No, I do not remember exact circumstances, but they probably related to things like tracking mud through the house or leaving his stuff lying all over the place, or forgetting it was our anniversary. (Okay, this one I do remember - at least he didn't knowingly and maliciously plan to go on that camping trip. He honestly forgot that it was our special day!) There were times, after some silly argument, when I childishly implemented the dreaded silent-treatment, stubbornly refusing to give in for days. I even remember several years ago blubbering to my former spiritual director about how annoyed I could get with my husband. He listened attentively to my long rant. When it was over, I expected something like a gentle pat on my head accompanied by a terribly sympathetic, "Oh, you poor dear."  I was shocked to hear instead, "Wow, you must really be hard to live with!" Bam, hello! My director's words were definitely a much needed wake-up call, no matter how much I hated hearing them.   I am also well aware that I am far more capable of driving my husband up the proverbial wall than he is me. But interestingly,  something has changed now that we've been together for over 27 years. Those little things really don't matter so much. They still occur, those frightfully petty little annoyances. But so what? Life has provided us a more mature perspective. We are wiser and know it is foolish to waste time dwelling on those pesky, little things. We've stopped making mountains out of mole hills.

We're stronger now than ever before. Together we are able to enter this new season of life. Together we realize that we can let them go, our kids, and our lives will continue to be fruitful and meaningful.

Because lying there, hidden behind all the boo-hooing that comes with severing the apron strings; underneath the aching blow of letting our children go, we've discovered a surprisingly delightful, wonderful phenomenon. It is a sweet, soothing balm. A new and better and deeper affection for one another. I am certain the seeds were planted on the day we wed and have been nurtured strong over the years by the grace of the sacrament.

It is a bit like we are falling in love all over again, only far better because we are so well connected - our souls really are one. We are older, but seem young again. We find more time to be alone together. Moments of intimacy have become more spontaneous.We are more relaxed, more mellow. We have become more merciful, more forgiving of one another. "I'm sorry" slips off the tongue more readily, more easily. We've emerged through perhaps the toughest part of marriage pretty much unscathed. No worse for the wear, as they say. 

Perhaps this renewed love is our reward for all the sleepless nights with little elbows poking our ribs and pudgy feet in our faces. For surviving teething and croup, countless childhood colds and flu, ear aches, potty training and how many trips to the ER? For (happily) surviving periods of biting cold, soaking rains, and unbearable heat over countless years on soccer fields and carting kids all over kingdom come. For refereeing too many sibling squabbles, enduring all that teenage drama, putting up with missed curfews and teaching them how to, gulp, drive. It hasn't always been smooth sailing. Like all the families I know, our lives have been peppered with moments of frustration and sorrow, but God has also graciously filled many of our days with joy and celebration, too. All embraceable moments.

I am truly grateful for being no worse for the wear and for continuing to share this adventure with my beloved friend, my dear husband. I am eagerly anticipating all that the future holds for us - stiff joints and all. May God grant us many more years - many more opportunities - to grow in faith, love and trust and may He be praised!

Please remember to pray for those couples who, after raising children, are seriously struggling to stay together and those whose marriages tragically succumb to the hardships and challenges they have faced over the years. God love them. God bless them.