A Daybook on the Occasion of Returning Home

Outside my window ...

Grey skies for days now. Every once in awhile the sun peeks through and a hint of blue appears. Tomorrow promises sunshine and Autumnal temps are in store for this weekend. Loveliness.

I am wearing ...

Denim capris and a short sleeve, plaid pull-over blouse. No shoes or socks.

Around the house ...

Isaac's presence lingers and fills me, even though he hasn't been here for a few days. What joy to have him so nearby. Grateful.

From the kitchen ...

Pot roast in the crock pot and I will be preparing a chicken dinner for Katie, Sam & Isaac later this afternoon.

I am hearing ...

The A/C running. It is still muggy outside.

I am creating ...

Bad poetry ... in my head. Maybe I'll write it down - maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't.

On Pandora ...

Adele crooning "Daydreamer"

I am reading ...

On my Kindle ... Thunder Dog: The True Story of a Blind Man, His Guide Dog, and the Triumph of Trust at Ground Zero.

I am hoping and praying ...

For God's blessings on my friends and a few acquaintances who are carrying huge crosses right now. And for good health, and a safe pregnancy and delivery for my Katie.

I am grateful ...

To have the opportunity to return home after working 'out there' for over 7 years. God is so good to me.

And ... for the nearly 3 years I had working for the Town of Herndon with these awesome colleagues, whom I will always consider dear friends:

The Human Resources staff

The IT staff

The Town Attorney staff

I am pondering ...

There was a lot of uproar over the recent changes Facebook has made. The collective whine was deafening. Honestly, I was pretty much indifferent about the changes. I am more concerned about how I allow Facebook to lure me in and I worry about getting sucked in for hours at a time while the dust bunnies reproduce under the furniture and the mountain of laundry grows a little higher and higher. I realize Facebook is merely a tool and admittedly, I have delighted in finding long, lost friends and corresponding with folks whom I don't see very often. Even local friends post great photos and links to informative and humorous articles and stories. It also allows me to 'chat' with Megan while she's away at school. While I was working, I made a pact with myself to only spend 30 minutes a day on the computer, with the exception of writing - otherwise nothing would get done around here. Now that I am no longer working outside my home, I need to stick to that pact. I will not fiddle around on Facebook while my husband is home and in my presence. Interacting with him (and actually all other family members and guests) is far more important. All this leads me think about this post (regarding our slavery to technology) that was brought to my attention by my friend, Elizabeth.  I hope to explore the topic more in a later post. Until then, just one last thought ... Wendell Berry continues to write all his books and essays by hand. In this day and age that is impressive, and for me, inspiring.

A picture thought ...

Peanut Butter & Jelly sticking out my belly! And on my nose and in my ear and on my shoulder!

Isaac Plays in Nana's Kitchen

Hello, Isaac!

Yes, I see all your teeth. You are becoming such a BIG boy!

It is fun to play 'store' with a can of mushrooms.

Isaac likes to play in Nana's kitchen.

Holly is curious about that can of mushrooms. She's hoping for a few nibbles!

Isaac spies Grandpa Jim and Daddy working on the new deck.

Look, Isaac! Daddy sees you through the window!

September's Promise

There is a harmony
In autumn, and a lustre in its sky,
Which through the summer is not heard or seen,
As if it could not be, as if it had not been!
- Percy Bysshe Shelley

The air is different; evening creeps up fast, catching me off-guard and lingers long toward dawn. Our little crop of vegetables droop in fatigue and my petunias have grown weary in the fading summer's heat. The hydrangea never did bloom well this summer (too hot) and those darned suckers grown tall from the Crape Myrtle need trimming. Yet, I am grateful that for the most part the flower garden has been self-sustaining. After trouble with my knee made tending it difficult for me, my husband was able to weed periodically and water during the hottest and driest weeks, keeping a presentable appearance.

 I recall how my heart sank mid-August at hearing the news, the MRI results bearing the dreaded confirmation of MS. We had hoped not. Hoped long and hard. My maternal instinct wagged a specious finger at me. "How could you have let this happen? Why didn't you protect her like you once did -- from tumbling out of her crib, from germs, from electrocution, from untoward peers, from spiritual harm?" 

And so, here am I, accused. 

Summoning our holy Mother, I collapse into her arms. Who knows better than Our Lady, the torment in witnessing the suffering of her child? She lifts my spirit, girds me in faith and hope and reminds me that love, " ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Cor 13:7) 

And my mother's heart knows again to trust; everything will be all right.

*******************************

The sun crouches low, kissing my back more now than my brow. The cricket chants his nocturnal hymn in sweet, smooth harmony as the breeze promises refreshment and soothing.

How fitting that September heralds new beginnings. A new school year for some, a new season for many. For my family, this month divulges a new promise that has lifted us and will bear us through our winter and soften its blow (and, likely, all our winters to come). Katie, Sam and their dear, little Isaac, have been gifted with a brand new creation -- a new life to nurture, to offer supplication, to celebrate!

Please join us in thanksgiving to our Father in Heaven and in prayer for a healthy, happy nine (or so) months as we wait in joyful anticipation and in love for the arrival of a new little one to shower with kisses and to cuddle so very close to our hearts. 

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Psalm 118:1

The Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Today the Church celebrates the solemnity of the glorious Assumption of Mary, Mother of God into Heaven. I've just returned from Mass in honor of this special Marian feast. Below are wise words written in the 12th century by the Cistercian monk, Saint Aelred Rielvaux. I love what he writes and thought I'd share his sermon here with you. You may also find it here.

Saint Aelred of Rielvaux (1110-1167), Cistercian monk
2nd sermon for the Assumption, Durham coll.

 

From now on will all ages call me blessed

 

If Saint Mary Magdalene – who had been a sinner and from whom the Lord had cast out seven demons – merited to be glorified by him to the extent that her praise abides for ever among the assembly of the saints, who can measure the extent to which "the upright rejoice and dance for joy in the presence of the Lord" with regard to holy Mary, who knew not man?... If the apostle Peter – who was not only unable to watch for one hour with Christ but who even went so far as to deny him – afterwards won such favor that the keys of the Kingdom of heaven were entrusted to him, of what praises is holy Mary not worthy, who bore the king of angels himself in her womb, he whom the heavens cannot contain? If Saul, who "breathed murderous threats against the disciples of the Lord"... was the object of such mercy... that he was "caught up to the third heaven, whether in the body or out of the body", it is not surprising that the holy Mother of God – who stayed beside her son through all the trials he endured from his cradle onwards – should have been lifted up to heaven, even in her body, and exalted high above the choirs of angels.

If there is "joy in heaven before the angels over one sinner who repents", who can tell what joyful and lovely praises rise up before God concerning holy Mary who never sinned?... Indeed, if those who "once were darkness" and have now become "light in the Lord" "will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father", who is able to tell  "the eternal weight of glory" of holy Mary, who came into the world "like dawn arising, beautiful as the moon, resplendent as the sun" and of whom was born "the true light which enlightens  everyone coming into the world"? Moreover, since our Lord said: "Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am there will my servant also be", where do we think his mother must be who served him with such eagerness and fidelity? If she followed him and obeyed him even to death, no one can wonder that now, more than anyone else, she "follows the Lamb wherever he goes."

(Biblical references : Lk 8,2; Ps 149[148],1; Ps 68[67],4; Lk 1,34; Mt 26,40.70; Mt 16,19; Acts 9,1; 2Cor 12,2; Lk 22,28; Lk 15,7; Eph 5,8; Mt 13,43;  2Cor 4,17; Sg 6,9; Jn 1,9; Jn 12,26; Rv 14,4)

My daughter, you are BEAUTIFUL!

Thank you everyone for reading Megan's series about her journey toward finding her beautiful self. Your prayers, comments and words of encouragement are so gratefully appreciated. As with all sojourns, for Megan the journey is one she embarks on with each rising sun. Each day brings her closer to knowing her true Love and King, the Author of life and the reason for her being. As with all pilgrimages she continually faces temptations and sometimes roadblocks pop up seemingly out of nowhere. That's why it is so vital for her to maintain and nurture her life of prayer, praise and adoration; to immerse herself continuously in a sacramental life. Let this be a lesson for all of us.

As Megan's mom, I found that facing and accepting the pain she grappled with as a teen and young adult a very difficult pill to swallow. When she first shared her struggles with me my heart sank in a pool of guilt and disappointment (in myself). Perhaps it is natural for a mother to immediately question, "Where did I go wrong? How have I managed to fail her?" Did she not know that I have always loved her simply for who she is? I have always found her to be a truly unique and amazingly beautiful child of God.

She assures me that I did not go wrong. She recently explained to me that she never felt that I judged her or made a big fuss over her appearance or weight gain and for that, she says, she is grateful.

All my babies were born big. Megan, my smallest newborn, weighed 9.4 oz. They all grew at their own pace and none of them were (or are) similar in body type. Megan started getting 'chubby' around age 7. I wasn't too concerned, but did work with our pediatrician in figuring out a nutritional plan that included more healthy choices - particularly for snacks. As an entire family, we needed to change our eating habits and unfortunately, since no one else seemed to have a problem with weight, the cookies, cakes, chips, etc. stuck around. So, Megan ate them, too. How could I expect a 10 year old girl to resist the temptation to reach into a box of Little Debbies? I remember saying to the doctor, "But she is so active! This is not a couch potato kid!" She hardly ever sat still. She was always on the move. Nonetheless, she continued to gain weight. We tested her for metabolic disorders, diabetes, and other health issues, but she was healthy. We kept her active in soccer and outdoor activities.

I do remember the tears - mostly as she started really caring about how she looked. I always told her that she had a beautiful soul and that was most important. My love for her wasn't based on how much or how little she weighed or what she looked like. To me, she was utterly lovable and always beautiful. She was always my princess.

As she neared middle school, I remember telling her not to worry, she would most likely outgrow it - just like her Aunt Joan who was also plump as a young child, but as a teen and young adult had shot up and thinned out. But Megan was already comparing herself to the young women on television, in movies and in magazines. She started believing what the world defined as beautiful and the image that stared back at her in the mirror did not fit the bill. When I told her I thought she was gorgeous, or that I could simply fall into the deep, green pools that are her eyes or that her hair was thick and lustrous and smelled so good; she would reply, "But you're my mom. You're supposed to say those things. You're supposed to love me no matter what." If I'd tell her that one of my friends remarked at how cute she looked or what a gorgeous smile she had, she would only balk and say, "Yeah, they're just being nice." or "But they're old, what do they know?" She wanted affirmation from her peers and from 'the world' and they were letting her down.

So, what's a mother to do when her words and affection aren't enough? Don't stop, that's what! Keep right on loving her, praying for her, and laying the foundation, cemented in Christ, that will ultimately carry her up and out of the quagmire of self deprecation and poor self-image.

At first, my husband and I were very supportive of Megan's dieting and decision to eat only healthy foods. I was pleased to know that she had taken it upon herself to learn about nutrition and a healthier life style. Everyone in our family seemed to take a new interest in seriously cutting out the junk from our diets. After awhile, however, we noticed Megan obsessing about how many calories she was consuming each day. "How many ounces was that piece of chicken?" she would demand. She used an online calorie calculator to keep track of every bite of food. She knew she should be consuming at least a certain amount of calories per day, but she was falling far short of that number. The pounds were melting off of her. Finally, she looked much too thin. My husband was concerned and wanted her to stop dieting. 

Things seemed to settle down a bit as Megan neared the end of high school. I was not aware of her attraction to bulimia until she confessed to me earlier this year that she had actually tried it a few times. Thankfully, it did not become a serious problem for her. Thankfully, she met wonderful friends - God loving peers -  at Belmont Abbey College who have helped her in accepting herself and loving herself for who God created her to be. (I can't believe we almost didn't send her there! But God made it clear - that's where He willed her to be.) Megan is learning what it means to be truly feminine, to be truly beautiful and she knows that's not what the world offers.

As her mom, are there things I wished I had done differently over the years? Sure. For one thing - I wish I had known as much about the food we eat, or hopefully avoid, back then as I do now. I would definitely have made much better choices for meals - starting when my kids were infants. And I would never, ever have taken them to fast food restaurants. Ever. I wish I had been more mindful of helping them understand that Hollywood and the fashion industry masks what is truly beautiful and distorts it. They take what's real and make it fake. It's one thing to style your hair or apply lip gloss and eye shadow to help you feel pretty and feminine, but we must not reject and abhor the bodies and attributes that God has given us. Finally, we didn't watch a lot of television, by most standards, but I wish we had watched even less or none at all.

But, mostly I'd do the same things again. I know Megan appreciates the love and affection she received growing up. We are very close. We share many, many things, she and I. I've related how I, too, felt awkward, ugly and unloved as a teen and into my adulthood. I didn't battle weight issues, but I had horrible acne and a boyish figure. In other words, I had my own demons to contend with. I've shared how I dealt with all of that garbage (sometimes badly) and how I've overcome it all. I believe in my heart that this has helped Megan to know and to trust me.

I do not regret that my husband and I did our best to educate our children in the ways of God. We, like many, were poorly catechized in the "60's & 70's"; therefore, as parents, we were determined to center our lives on Christ; to live sacramental lives and carry out every aspect of our faith every day. Megan assures me that this foundation - even though she was tempted to not take it very seriously - ultimately helped keep her on the right path. As she matured and moved away from home for the first time, she had to discover everything that had been passed down to her in a new way. It needed to be real. She needed to make it her own. So, either she was going to reject it altogether or cling to and ingest it in a whole new way. By the grace of God, her relationship with Christ became very real and much more intimate. She grew to know and love Our Lady, too. As she states in her, "Journey to Beauty" series and as I mention above, God placed wonderful friends in her life to help her see herself as HE sees her. These caring friends have helped reinforce the foundations that my husband and I, her siblings and other relatives and life-long friends, have laid down in her life.

In today's Gospel from Saint Matthew (Mt.14:22-23), Saint Peter, in the dark of night, is walking on the water of the Sea of Galilee toward Jesus. Frightened by the strength of the wind, Peter loses faith and begins to sink. He cries out, "Lord, save me!" And then we see that immediately Jesus stretches out his hand and catches Peter. Megan was sitting next to me at Mass this morning as we listened to our parochial vicar preach about this part of the Gospel. He emphasized how Christ is right there all the time ready to save us from peril. He hears and responds - immediately -  to our desperate pleas for help. At the end of part two of her Journey to Beauty, referring to the spring of her freshman year, Megan writes, "By this time my spiritual life had sky rocketed…it actually amazes me how much the Lord rescued me in such a short amount of time." Amazing, indeed!

Thank you for your continued prayers and well wishes for Megan. I know God has mighty plans in store for this girl! I'd like to also personally thank Kate Wicker for her comments and messages to Megan. Coincidentally, Megan and I had just received our copy of Kate's book Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body in the mail. I was reading the first two chapters in the Adoration Chapel at my parish about the very same time Kate was leaving a lovely comment for Megan after reading part one of Journey to Beauty. For anyone who has experience with eating disorders or knows someone who struggles with self-image issues, the book is highly recommended.

Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever!

Journey to Beauty - Part Four: Afterward

 Here is the final installment of Megan's journey toward beauty ...

 

Thanks be to God, receiving the Eucharist every day opened my eyes to the blessings and the love the Lord has given me and the greatness and beauty in His world. It has also made me aware of the lies society tells us, especially about feminine beauty. Through prayer, guidance of incredible friends and people in my life, wonderful books including Captivating and How to Find Your Soul Mate Without Losing Your Soul, a wonderful conference put on by FOCUS, and a relationship with the Blessed Mother my life was changed. The image of beauty that the world showcases doesn’t even exist. Too many women are getting plastic surgery; so many computer programs have editing software for the purposes of “enhancing” the faces and bodies of models and famous women who actually don’t look like that in real life. Why are we so blind to it when even the very women on magazines complain about how their photos were completely edited erasing their natural appearance? (And we wonder why people don’t feel beautiful?) We’re told time and time again that these edited photos are what truly beautiful people look like. (For specific examples of famous women who have been vandalized by magazines read How to find your soul mate without losing your soul by Jason and Crystalina Everett in the Love your Body chapter.)

I also came to realize that we are all princesses of the Lord! We are all truly beautiful and the Lord has a plan for each and every one of us. ‎Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We have to trust Him. He made us in his image and likeness. He made us and saw that it was GOOD. He gave us the gifts, the talents and the beauty to fulfill His plan. We are fallen, yes, but He allows challenges in our lives to make us strong, to be the people He intended us to be and to always choose Him. He came humbly into this world to die for our sins, for all the mistakes that we make, because we think we know better than He does. Just like I did and like I do every day when I sin. But He loves us so much. He is here with us! His body and His blood are HERE. And we can be completely united to Him every single day by receiving His body and blood in the most Holy sacrament of the Altar. He asks His children to use the beauty and the gifts that He has given us to be His arms, legs and His voice. He feeds us with Himself in the Eucharist so that we can love like Him, so that we can bring Him to others. HE is the bread of life! He is victory over all! He can defeat anything. If He defeated every sin in the world, past, present, future, and death itself, He can certainly defeat our pains and our sufferings and He can defeat the lies that the world feeds us, because He feeds us with everlasting life. The more like Him we are, the more we are ourselves, because He created us in His image. And the more at peace and satisfied we will be.

Don’t let pride fool you into false humility, THIS, accepting the way Christ created you as beautiful, is humility my friends. It is humble because you are not saying you know better than God and that He did not create you beautiful. It is accepting that you are a beautiful creation of the Lord. Even Jesus Christ Himself says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We must love ourselves in order to love His people; in that way we love the Lord. Matthew 25:40 says, “The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to me.” By loving our brothers and sisters we love our Lord. Expanding on the advice from Jason Everett about asking the Lord to show us our beauty, my amazing uncle and godfather, Father James Collins once told me to ask the Lord to heal me from my insecurities and to ask the Lord specifically to heal me of certain ones; for example, “Lord help me to stop comparing myself to others.” Ask the Lord to heal you of specific insecurities. The Lord hears our prayers and He answers them. He knows the true desires of our hearts and He knows exactly what we need. He knows how to make us stronger and how to take victory in our souls.

The Lord loves us more than anyone else can ever love us. He hurts when we hurt and He wants to bring us healing. Let us humble ourselves and allow the Lord to love us and to heal us. He will heal us. Like I said, He is victorious. He is Almighty, all-powerful, and all loving! Stop comparing yourself to others, because the Lord made you to be yourself, and you are beautiful and wonderful. Allow Him to reveal to you the gifts and talents He has given you. Accept compliments, it is the Lord loving you through someone else. Believe them. The Lord is not a liar. If you do not believe the compliments, ask the Lord to heal you from those lies that poison your heart and keep you from seeing your beauty. You are beautiful and you are a princess of the heavenly King! He is Our Father; He is always there with strong and undying love for us. Turn to Him always and never give up on Him, He never gives up on you.

Ask Our Lady, Mother Mary to show you true feminine beauty. (Wise advice from my dear friend ,Kelly Craige). Mary is most beautiful and the Queen of all. She is the pillar of all virtue; ask her to show you virtue and what it means to be truly beautiful and feminine. Females are the essence of beauty. (Captivating) Let the beauty of God shine through you, for you are blessed!

 This is my story, and this is my advice. I often pray for an increase of awareness of the terrible lies society tells women and for the wisdom and the strength for girls and women to stay far from being swept under the current that I had been drowning in. It might be easy to get swept in and it might look like there is a warm, sunny beach at the end. But that current is strong and it’s rough. It’s a whirlpool that spins you under and when you want to go back it is hard. But never forget that the Father is there with His loving arms to rescue His princess from the depth of despair.

Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever!

To go back to the beginning of Megan's series Journey to Beauty, click here.

Journey to Beauty - Part Three: The Victory

Here is the third installment of Megan's journey toward beauty ...

Summer 2011

Summer was here and I had to become a lot more independent than I had been my whole life and it was a challenge. At the same time I was still struggling with insecurities about my weight. Thanks to my dear friend Laura, I read a book she gave me called, How to Find Your Soul Mate Without Losing Your Soul by Jason and Crystalina Everett. I immediately read the chapter titled, “Love Your Body.” It changed my life. In the book Jason says to ask the Lord to give us His eyes so that we may see ourselves as He sees us, because the Lord desires for us to love ourselves as He loves us. He also advises to stand in front of a mirror and to call upon the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show us our beauty and say, “Help me to see what you see, Lord.” Soon after beginning this practice, I cried out to the Lord in prayer one evening, exhausted from the constant battle with my body. I begged the Lord to relieve me of my suffering and to show me my beauty; I just couldn’t see it. I was too tired to keep trying. Once and for all, I let go and laid my suffering at the foot of the Cross. Immediately, I was infused with confidence in my body. I know for a fact that the Lord healed me and He has blessed me with incredible family and friends, strangers, opportunities, and situations in my life that helped bring about this miraculous healing. He helped me to see the lies society feeds me and other women in the world. He gave me the tools to continue striving for acceptance of myself and confidence in my body as it matures. He helped me appreciate my talents, my personality and all that He has given me. Through my suffering and healing He has given me the grace to turn to Him always and to strive for humility, courage, patience, trust and charity, virtues that I had previously rejected.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still human and I’m not perfect. I’m not always pleased with my body and I have many other insecurities. Even after I felt comfortable in my own skin (quite literally), I remember thinking how strange it was that numbers on a scale still mattered and I still thought about how I shouldn’t eat certain things. Sometimes I find myself comparing myself to others as well. Furthermore, I often ask myself, ‘although I’m happy with my body now, would I be if I gained more weight?’ Aside from physical insecurities, it is very hard for me to be vulnerable and to share my emotions with people. I have a lot of pride, so I don’t like to be seen as weak. I constantly have to search for the true meaning of confidence in relation to humility. But in my journey toward beauty the thoughts about my weight don’t consume me as they once did. The healing is continuous, daily, but I have a new confidence because the Lord answered my prayers and helped me to see what He sees. I’m constantly learning over and over again how to trust Him. I’m recognizing how prideful I am and when and where I put up walls. I’m learning how selfish I was and how I still am. But I am also a witness to how the Lord can heal us and how He will rescue us from the corrupt society that tells us that women are not good enough unless they’re anorexically thin, plastic, and photo-shopped. We’ll never be perfect. The only perfect you can be is the perfect you. 

Click here to read Part Four: Afterward

Journey to Beauty - Part Two: The Battle

Here is the second installment of Megan's journey toward beauty ...

Freshman orientation at Belmont Abbey College, August 2010

 

I graduated from high school, happy to be away from that battleground, and I went off to college. I thought I was pretty confident going to college although I was certainly nervous, just like everyone else I’m sure! I remember hearing that a lot of people develop eating disorders in college and I was secretly excited about the possibility because for me, it meant that I could finally be skinnier again. However, the tides changed when through the example of my amazing friend Bridget, I began attending Mass daily. My freshman year turned out to be the best year of my life. My entire spiritual life turned around and the Lord literally rescued me from drowning in the rip tide of self-hatred. Eventually, I came to realize how insecure I was and how sinful it was to hate myself because the Lord created me as a temple for the Holy Spirit.

Like Bridget, all my friends helped me become closer to the Lord in different ways. They were examples of humility, zeal, selflessness, charity, and the list goes on. Although I had a keen knowledge of the teachings of the Church from my parents and high school, I wasn’t overflowing with love for the Lord and I certainly wasn’t humble.

I came to a crossroad around mid-year as I was experiencing some drama with friends from home, from school, and a boy. I was faced with asking myself how I feel about things and why I feel the way I do. I also became aware of the fact that I had become a victim of anorexia. It was a lot for me to handle. Praise God I had grown so much closer to Him that I was beginning to bring nearly everything to Him in prayer. Of course I brought this to Him. I seemed so lost and everyone was going through a lot at that time of year. I asked the Lord, “Lord I am so lost, if you want me to talk to someone about this please reveal them to me, otherwise I just want to keep this between you and me.” Well God is great and He brought me an incredible friend, Daniel. Daniel not only helped me through my first boy drama with another one of our friends, but he also helped me heal from my obsession with my weight. It was very difficult for me to be serious and vulnerable and to share with a GUY my struggles with weight and self image, but I knew the Lord had blessed me with this friend. I needed to share it all and be honest. I remember Daniel asked me, “When was the last time you tried to be bulimic?” Sadly, it was at the beginning of the school year. He then asked, “Why weren’t you successful?” I answered, “Because it was too difficult to keep it a secret living in a suite.” Then it clicked. It was a secret. I was hiding myself. We spent a long night discussing how I still thought about the number of calories contained in this or that food and how I really needed to eat a balanced diet. We talked about how I was so confused because although I really wanted to lose “my freshmen ten”, I wasn’t sure if dieting was wise. Throughout the remainder of the second semester Daniel and my other friend Zack were always there for me, encouraging me to be confident in myself. (I learned to open up to more people as well.) Through their wisdom, I learned that not taking compliments was false humility and that we should be proud of ourselves, not vain and not conceited. The best advice they gave me was to not compare myself to others. That was something I had to practice and remind myself daily. Daniel had also encouraged me to pray the Rosary every day and to turn to Our Lady. Because I had been receiving advice from others to turn to Mary and I had recently decided to have a stronger devotion to her, Daniel’s advice only cemented my conviction to begin taking it more seriously. Daniel also advised me to give up makeup for lent. “WHAT!?” but I did it. The pieces were starting to come together.

All had been well and I had decided I would diet “just to get rid of the freshmen ten” I had put on. Let’s face it; I was still obsessed and too proud to admit it. One day at brunch I had been talking about the food I was eating and how it was Sunday and I could “cheat.” I was talking to the same guys who were aware I was “dieting” and one of them, having no idea I was self conscious about my weight, made a comment about how I shouldn’t be a quitter and I should stick to the things I commit to, referencing my diet. I was furious. I was prideful. I was so angry someone just called me out on something that made me feel vulnerable, guilty and like I wasn’t perfect. We talked about it later and I shared a little bit of my story with him and he tried to convince me that I didn’t need to diet, (the same guy who told me one day a man will desire me and love me and treat me like a princess and I will be the center of his world.) Due to years of insecurity, I thought this kid was a class A liar. I didn’t believe anything nice that people said to me because I thought I had to be perfect in order to be “good enough.” I thought I had to be the very best, the very skinniest, the most beautiful in order to deserve anything. It was all pride. I thought a lot about that little occurrence at brunch one Saturday morning. I needed to let go from all that was keeping me attached to the things of my past that were evidently keeping me from the Lord.

Lent arrived and I decided to give up makeup and I also stopped dieting, The Lord poured out graces upon me that Lent. I was afraid beyond any fear I ever had to give up makeup for Lent. But the Lord gave me strength. I started my days by saying good morning to the Lord in the chapel next to my dorm and went on my way, makeup-less. For six weeks I continued to learn to love myself and I learned I had talents, even if I wasn’t the best or better than other people in those talents, and that people loved me for me. I learned that I don’t have to be perfect in order to be good at something. I learned that the people with whom I was most comfortable were the closest of my friends. When I put up walls it only added stress in my life and on my friendships. I auditioned for and landed a part in a school musical; putting myself in a group of older people I did not know, meanwhile not wearing makeup. I also sang in coffee houses in front of people I knew and didn’t know. I accepted the challenges the Lord presented me, because I had to trust Him. He loved me and wanted me to be stronger. He wanted to reveal to me the beauty that I was so blind to. Lent was amazing. I wasn’t healed entirely, but I was on the right track and the Lord was right there and I was right there with Him.

Summer was approaching; the dreaded swimsuit season. Insecurities were creeping up. Get behind me Satan! But this time I had the tools. I knew that I couldn’t compare myself to others; that I was my own person and I was healthy and beautiful and talented. I was created uniquely by God and He gave me gifts, because He has a plan for me. His plan for me is for me and no one else. I knew I wasn’t perfect in the eyes of the world and never would be. I also began listening to a lot of Christian songs about beauty, thanks to my mom, Caroline, Daniel and Zack who all recommended songs. By this time my spiritual life had sky rocketed…it actually amazes me how much the Lord rescued me in such a short amount of time. 

Click here to read Part Three: The Victory

Journey to Beauty - Part One: The Struggle

My 19 year old daughter, Megan, has prepared a testimony for a FOCUS event that she will present to other young women at Belmont Abbey College this Fall. It recounts her very personal struggle with weight gain and dieting, her poor self-image and how the Lord is giving her the grace to regard herself as the beautiful young woman He has created her to be. Her testimony is written in four parts. Part one is posted below following a brief introduction. The remaining parts of her journey will be posted over the next three days or so. Please welcome this beautiful soul to Beyond Pearls and keep her, and all young women, in your prayers.

My Beautiful Girl

I decided to prepare and soon present my testimony for a couple of reasons. First off, too many girls are heart broken over the way they look. These days, nobody believes they're truly beautiful. Even if they feel confident by their appearance, women are often afraid to admit it, thinking the world will not agree. Well, I want that to change. It has to change. I want to reveal the truth the Lord has been dying for us to hear. Secondly, I began discerning my major this past spring and decided to pursue English. I've reflected on my spiritual and psychological journey throughout the year and decided people need to know this stuff. People need to be set free by Truth. I want to use my degree in English to write and talk about true feminine beauty. Thanks be to God for FOCUS, the campus ministry for Belmont Abbey College, where I am currently a student. I have been invited to assist a FOCUS missionary in organizing a night dedicated to this cause. On that night, I will give my testimony hoping to touch the hearts of other young women. Guest writing on my wonderful mother's blog is just the first step in that direction...Lead me Lord! (Thank you mom, for this opportunity!)

This is my story of how I found out I was beautiful. It doesn’t involve cameras, makeup (actually, it involves taking away makeup), and hair products, other people convincing me, or winning a contest. It involves the Lord and me. It involves winning a battle against the world, “allowing Christ to take victory in my soul” (Deacon Ochenkowski assigned to St. Veronica Parish, quoting a priest from Saint Vincent seminary during a recent homily). 

All of my life I was bigger than the other kids. I came into this world weighing a hefty 9lbs and 4oz. However, it wasn’t until second grade that I actually became overweight. At that time I didn’t care about being bigger than other kids. It wasn’t until I hit about fifth or sixth grade when I realized being 120lbs, when everyone else my age was 85lbs, wasn’t such a good thing or a healthy thing.

By the time I was ten years old, I started dieting; however, I never really persevered through any of them, because I didn’t really care as much about my weight problems then as I would later. It really started to hit home, when in middle school I realized I was indeed a victim of “child obesity,” weighing 180lbs, while still under five feet tall. I began to compare myself to others. I was convinced that no one liked me because I was not skinny enough, pretty enough, talented enough or even good enough. I sought friendships with those who made me feel “good enough.” With a heart quickly hardening, I fashioned a wall of pride that I called strength and I wouldn’t allow anyone to enter. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my Lord was waiting patiently for me to turn to Him as I focused excessively on myself.

Throughout puberty I did lose some weight, but by the end of tenth grade, after I had written a term paper on female teen nutrition, I was clearly obsessed with my weight. I developed an unhealthy obsession with exercise and counting calories. All that I could think about was how people viewed me and how much I wished I was beautiful and desirable. I was happy with my weight loss, but I felt that I had to continue on my trek as I was never perfectly satisfied with how much weight I’d lose. I was never “perfect.” I became impatient shortly after beginning a diet and cut out even more calories than recommended. Straying from the nutritional advice to consume at least 2000 calories per day, I cut that total into halves, then fourths. Some days I only consumed 300-500 calories. I was rapidly approaching anorexia and was absolutely and completely blind to it. I remember my dad saying I should stop dieting and my sister warning me about anorexia and how no one plans on becoming anorexic, it just happens. I had also studied all the different types of eating disorders in great detail for my research paper, yet here I was eating an average of 900 calories per day resulting in a loss of 37lbs in less than a year. It wasn’t good enough. I desired to lose more and more weight because of my damaged self-image. I lacked true joy. At that time my biggest fear and sole concern in life was gaining back all the weight I had lost. I never want to be “there” again. I was so obsessed with my weight issues that I didn’t care about anyone else. Sadly, my skinny body only caused me more anxiety, more than I had experienced before. It also brought me bitterness and pride, which only drew people away. I had also decided to hate certain food. I deliberately chose not to enjoy something good. I deliberately chose against joy, a gift from the Lord. Not only did I not choose to enjoy food, but also I chose not to enjoy life. I decided I had to be very hard on myself and to hate myself in order to be motivated to be…loved? I was so utterly lost. I hated life. I hated food that gave me life and I hated myself. Sin had a firm grip on me and I needed the Lord to set me free.

I often gazed at myself in the mirror, telling myself I wasn’t good enough. I was fat and ugly. I would say things like, “Look at your stomach! It is so ugly!” When my so-called “motivation” failed me I decided my last chance was bulimia. I knew everything about why bulimia didn’t work and why it is so unhealthy for you. But somehow I was stuck on “but if it made those girls skinny, then it must work somehow!” And “I just need to lose ten more pounds; it’ll be a quick fix to get back on track, so I won’t gain the weight right back!” Lies. All Lies. Bulimia doesn’t cause you to lose weight, if anything its just water weight that you lose. It rips up your esophagus and can cause extremely serious problems. Some girls have to be put on feeding tubes for the rest of their lives because of the damage to their bodies. Praise be to God, because of my knowledge of the disorder and failed results, I stopped that horrible practice after only one week. However, I continued to diet and wish that I was someone else. I constantly weighed myself, measured myself and died to squeeze into smaller clothing sizes. I started to dye my hair, too, because I wanted so much to look like the women I saw in magazines and elsewhere. I had not figured out that I’d never be the most beautiful I could be if I wasn’t just myself. I also started wearing excessive amounts of makeup to hide bad acne and I started tanning. Everything I did was to be someone I wasn’t. I remember thinking to myself, “Who am I? What do you even like anymore?” Because I had tried so hard to be like everyone else, I didn’t even know who I was.

Throughout my entire dieting experience I had convinced myself and others that I was dieting “the healthy way.” I refused to see the truth. I accepted the lies and wholeheartedly believed them. I was not at peace, ever. My obsession with weight loss flooded my mind and I couldn’t ever escape it. I was blind to the blessings in my life and blatantly refused the gifts the Lord had given me. I was telling God that His gifts weren’t good enough in this world. I told Him I wasn’t good enough and I was trying to transform His beautiful creation into something He never meant for it to be. Sure, I was devoutly Catholic, was raised in a very Catholic home; and I was sent to one of the most Catholic middle and high schools in the area. I had a prayer life and I knew the teachings of the Church. But when praying about my dieting, my prayers were rooted in selfishness. I strayed from the Lord, because like all of us, I live in a fallen world and society fed me lies that were poisonous to my soul. I was caught in the tide of untruth and was swept away by it. When I realized I was indeed drowning, I couldn’t figure out how to save myself and I was too proud to take lessons from anyone.

Around the time of my junior year of high school, I actually stopped dieting because everyone told me I was “so skinny!” The praise I received was enough for me to lose my motivation to continue losing weight. Yet, I still held on to so much pride and bitterness. Due to my anorexic tendency when I slowly started eating normal again and gained a little bit of the weight back, I became very upset. I still wanted to be someone else; someone I thought was pretty and would be accepted. I wanted to be “perfect” and no one could convince me that I was. 
 

Click here to read  Part Two: The Battle

Daybook for a mid-summer Heat Wave?

Outside my window ...

The air is heavy with the whirring and rattling of cicada song, their melodies ebbing and flowing through the morning heat. The thick wall of humidity that had been a mainstay late last week has dissipated allowing one to breathe deep at last. Once again the cloudless sky is a deep, satisfying blue.  The temperatures last week had hovered anywhere from 99 to 105 with heat indices from 110 to 124. With temperatures in the low 90's predicted for today and tomorrow with very low humidity, we are now refreshingly experiencing somewhat of a 'cool wave.'

I am wearing ...

A black cotton jersey sleeveless sundress.

On Pandora ...

George Shearing radio. Now playing: My Old Flame by Paul Bley. This station, introduced to me by Katie, reminds me of my brother Paul. He is somewhat of a jazz affectionado. It also stirs up a desire to share a candlelit dinner with my husband. A little wine, a little dancing. Hmm ...

Around, ahem, outside the house ...

My Jim is building a new - bigger and better - deck. The heat wave has not deterred him. He dug and hammered and pounded and poured concrete in defiance of the suffocating, hellish air. Like a marathon runner, he paced himself accordingly finding a rhythm - and several quarts of water - that allowed him to persevere slowly and steadily. He also rested periodically and somehow managed - with no apparent arm twisting - to elicit the help of our son and five of  his friends when it came time to pour the concrete for the footings. A mark of true friendship and fidelity, I'd say! No one, outside of myself, will welcome the new deck more than our little canine friend, Holly. She paws the back door each morning pleading to be let out to bask in the early sun and sniff the beginning of a new day. Each time, I pull the curtain aside to show her the emptiness that was once our old deck. "Not yet, Holly, not yet. But soon, we hope."

From the kitchen and in the garden ...

Our summer harvest! Fresh cucumber, squash, tomatoes, green beans, lettuce, and snap peas. Meals taste so much better in summer! The 'pickle man' has already put up a few quarts of bread and butters and is preparing to jar some dills real soon.

I am hearing ...

Happy meowing for - what else? More food!

I am reading ... and loving ...

Wendell Berry's A Place on Earth

I am hoping and praying ...

For healing and miracles for many who are very dear to me and for some whom I hardly know and for those in between and for some I have never met.

I am pondering ...

Distributism. When I was a young adult my political, economic views - however unsophisticated and naive - were very much left leaning. I was very much a free spirit, anti-war, tree-hugger type. After I married, my conservative Republican husband began changing my mind little by little. As I matured and particularly as I grew in my faith and knowledge of the basic tenets of the Church,  certain issues became paramount - i.e., the right to life and the dignity of all persons. I became disenchanted with radical environmentalism and realized that the relativistic, hedonistic life that had peppered my college years had left me empty and wounded. I did, as they say, a complete 180 and as a young wife and mother, decided to label myself a conservative Republican. And it suited me just fine until, truthfully (and I'm speaking very personally here) I found I really wasn't comfortable with some of George W. Bush's foreign and economic policies - particularly in his second term. So, not too long ago, I decided that perhaps I am really a conservative independent, but I still found no real "voice" out there. And then, I stumbled upon an article about distributism. I read more and more about it, devouring article after article, encyclicals (Rerum Novarum) and books, Joseph Pearce's Small is Still Beautiful: Economics as if Families Mattered. I have finally found my niche. Protecting our natural resources is critical. Big business and big government are joined at the hip. Neither is good for our economy. Workers have rights and people have dignity. And as always, human life is God's most precious creation and must be protected at all stages. Yeah, okay, so I do feel like a late bloomer. It's been right there under my nose this whole time and I've only now discovered it.

Hmm, seems like a lot of pondering, wouldn't you say? Too much for a simple Daybook post and clearly I've only barely scratched the surface. If you're interested in learning more about distributism click on the links embedded above or search for it on the web.

I am grateful ...

For my family and how God has showered us with grace.

A few plans ...

Looking forward to a 'get-away' day trip or two in a few weeks with Jim and possibly the wee hound.

A picture thought ...

You are never too old to learn a few things

For over two weeks I've been hobbling around with a left knee the size of a grapefruit. Until now, I haven't been able to sit at the computer desk long enough to write about it here. Too uncomfortable. But after my doctor's appointment earlier this week, the knee, although still a bit stiff, feels much better and is significantly less fluid-filled. Turns out I have pseudogout. It's not true gout - hence it's name. It is a type of arthritis caused by a build up of calcium pyrophosphate that creates crystals which adhere to the cartilage in a joint - typically the knee. The symptoms are very similar to gout - swelling and pain in the joint. I've read that pseudogout normally affects people age 60 or over and becomes more common as one ages. In August I'll be 51. My hair started turning gray in my 30's, leaving my locks completely silver by age 40, when I was also beginning the early stages of menopause. By age 45 lab results declared I was post-menopausal. So, I suppose acquiring a condition at 50 that normally strikes folks at 60 is just par for the course. I'm not going to dwell on it. Instead, I'd like to point out 10 'lessons' I've learned during this travail - or at least list some observations.

1. No one takes care of you like your mother did. Makes me appreciate Mom all the more and miss her very generous outpouring of  TLC.
2. With a knee injury or condition, when dressing oneself it is much easier putting on a dress or a skirt.
3. Shorts or pants are much more practical when one finds the need to raise and prop the knee in somewhat unladylike positions.
4. I have a new appreciation for the handicap stalls in public restrooms.
5. I have a new found empathy for others who have trouble walking.
6. Extreme pain and discomfort tempts me to be very cranky.
7. It is okay to ask for help.
8. Patience is indeed a virtue and it is only by the grace of God that I've been able to practice it these past two plus weeks.
9. Joy is not a feeling. Experiencing joy is not the same as saying, "I am happy!"  It is a presence residing in the depths of one's soul. Joy presupposes humility. Humility is necessary for us to aspire above the burden of self pity and to turn our gaze toward Him, whereby we recognize our likeness to the One who suffered for our sakes and there we discover joy. A joy that is then magnified in uniting our own suffering to His.
10. Only by His grace do I recognize the supernatural benefit that comes from suffering and I am eternally grateful for His allowing me this opportunity to offer my little affliction back to Him to do with it what He wills - perhaps for the benefit of my soul, but more happily for the salvation of others.

I'm sure I could expound on any one of the above items - write entire posts about them (and even more that I didn't list). Another time, perhaps, for now it's time to prop up the 'ol' knee' and get some much desired rest.