Small Steps, Big Strides

The fruits of the Spirit are perfections that the Holy Spirit forms in us as the first fruits of eternal glory. The tradition of the Church lists twelve of them: "charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, chastity." (para 1832, Catechism of the Catholic Church)

For years I craved it, sought it, absolutely longed for it. At first, I thought if I righted all the wrong I had done, it would happen automatically. It did not. Just as a child must learn first to creep, then to crawl and finally to stand alone upon two wobbly legs before taking those first small steps, I've had to learn Joy. 

Joy, I have found out, is not the same as happiness. Many things in life make me happy - a clean house, watching a good movie, a day off with no errands to run. Happy is certainly good, but fleeting like a butterfly lighting upon one flower to the next.  Joy is eternal. Joy is supernatural. Joy must be lived. It's not passive.  Joy, I have learned, cannot reside in my heart until I empty myself of myself; until I cease living for myself and live for others instead. When He alone reigns in my heart and in my soul, Joy comes and begs relationship. I cannot and will not grow in Joy unless I enter into prayer with my Father. Without meditation, without contemplation, without Jesus in His Eucharistic presence I cannot continue to learn Joy. It takes Grace and my cooperation with it.

Invariably, because I am human, because I am a still a child, there are moments when I tumble and fall - moments of selfishness and frustration when I can taste the sting of ugly words hurled at loved ones even before they leave my lips; moments of anxiety and lack of trust or of complete and utter exhaustion leaving me no patience. There are moments, too, of heartbreak - sometimes profound - or of deep struggle; dark moments when all I can do is beg deeply for the light. Yet, He remains unchanged, my constant, offering Love and Mercy to lift me on my feet and steady my gait. In my childlike acceptance, I once again find Joy, pure and beautiful not only in the smallest of moments, yet even amidst great crisis; even in suffering.

And so, in looking back over the years since I first sought Joy, I realize that each small step - one just as precious as the next - has lead to great strides toward a Father whose arms are opened wide for the embracing.

 

(c) 2011 Darby C. Fitzpatrick